First Impressions Aren't Always Correct

Some of us 'Dance Moms' during our Chicago trip

This past weekend I took a trip with my youngest daughter, her dance school and a handful of other girls and their moms. We packed about 40 females in a charter bus, along with one dad and a male bus driver and drove from Minneapolis to Chicago, a little over eight hours all said and done.  Since I have never been very involved with the "in crowd'' in school or sporting events personally, I have avoided a lot of girl drama. I somewhat expected to deal with some this weekend.

When I think of dance moms, I think of the TV reality show with the same name.  I think of bratty, spoiled little girls and moms that think their kid is the best and is owed something.  I don't think of me or my soft hearted daughter, or so many of the kind and adorable girls that we got to spend the weekend with. Yet, we were now a part of this... this life of dancers and 'dance moms'.  It was all a bit unnerving.

Since Skye's BFF and her mom would also be attending the trip, we had planned on rooming with them. My sister, her fiance' and stepdaughter would also be there, so I knew I wouldn't be alone much. What I was hoping for though, was to also connect with some of the other moms that I didn't already know and still do my best to elude any drama.

Even though, as I said, I was hoping to connect with other moms, I was also a bit judging about some of them. I had met many of them at different times, and even though it was only a few minutes here and there, I had already made some judgments. I decided who I thought was bitchy, who I viewed to be snobby, and who was or wasn't a great mom. What I learned quickly, was that my gut feelings aren't always correct.

As women, we, on occasion, become somewhat hormonal, which can definitely skew our views on situations and people. I know that I have been quick to judge women based on one or two meetings with them.  What I didn't take into consideration was that they (or I) may have been having a bad day when we met the first time and I may have inaccurately read into things.

There are moments when I am so hormonal that I can't even stand being in the same room with myself. Who's to say that upon meeting another mom that I came across as bitchy to them, even though I don't necessarily think that's how I am.

One of the ladies that was attending with her daughter happens to be an employee and mutual friend of my BFF, Jess. Jess messaged me the day before the trip and encouraged me to connect with this person. I made it a point to do so, and am so grateful that I have. We immediately clicked and I realized that we were a lot alike, that she didn't seem to have a fake bone in her body, and I truly enjoyed talking with her. We openly shared some of our personal issues, and it was easy. There was already a trust there, due to our mutual friendship in Jess. What a great way to meet new friends, on referral from other friends.

As I was meeting more and more of these ladies, I made the decision that I was going to take my own advice and make it a point to connect with as many of these ladies as I could. There were only three or four of the ladies that I didn't personally introduce myself to over the weekend, or spend time getting to know. I asked questions of these women and truly listened to their life stories. I learned about their kids and their marriages, learned about some friends that were strongly connected with each other who's daughters danced together. I learned of childhood illnesses, loss of loved ones and dietary restrictions. I learned that so many of us are going through our own issues, our own personal crisis and instead of being so critical of these women when I pass them at dance class, I was reminded that we are all pretty much the same. Were all dealing with the drama of being mothers, sisters, daughters, friends and wives.

As one of the ladies shared some of her personal life story during a casual conversation at the event,  I had a revelation...  our women's intuition, or gut feelings, or quick judgments aren't always accurate. When we meet others in a fast paced and busy environment for a few minutes, we aren't given the full opportunity to see someone for who they are, we only see them for who they appear to be at that moment.  It could have been the moment that they just lost their job, found out their child was being bullied, or their spouse was lying to them. whatever the situation, we must learn to give others grace.

I am truly grateful for this experience and am looking forward to getting to know these beautifully amazing  'dance moms' more. One piece of advice I would give to my soul sisters out there is to not be so quick to judge other women. We never know what someone is going through, so allow them room to be imperfect, as we all are, and give them a little grace. You may also need it someday.

Life and Love Lessons: Your First Soul Sister

Cabin fun on the Ice

I would assume that most women can remember their first BFF.  For me, it was Sandy Allison... We were in first grade together. We walked home together every day after school, and I remember telling her that she was my best friend. Yet, I don't remember much after that. We lost contact and I don't believe I ever saw her again.

I believe that is common for girls. Especially for those of us who make friends easily... we meet someone, we decide we like them and want to spend time with them. Then maybe we move, change schools, or classrooms and lose contact.

Do you remember, that first true soul sister...? The friend that you made, that stayed your friend even after all that usually changed things. Maybe you changed schools, but stayed in touch regularly.... I do.

I am seeing this happen with my youngest daughter, Skye, and I am in awe.  Skye is in tenth grade and has been attending school in our small town since second grade. So, for the most part, she has attended school with the same group of kids for almost a decade. She has had many girlfriends during that time. She's had a couple best friends, and one of those friendships was one she thought to be a true BFF, yet that friendship ended, and not by her choice. It was her first major loss she'd had in her life, and was very devastating to her. Yet, the friendship that unfolded next was meant to be, she found after her devastation, her soul sister, Maddy.


Skye and Maddy met in third grade, yet didn't develop a friendship until a few years later. Skye was a talker and Maddy was shy, very shy. They started sitting together at lunch when they entered middle school and along with a handful of other girls began attending birthday parties together and hanging out more at school.  A year later Skye invited Maddy to join a recreational dance class with her. You could tell their friendship was beginning to become stronger.

When Skye was in eighth grade, she began struggling a bit emotionally.  She was really having a hard time pin-pointing what the issue was though. It seemed like everything was going wrong. Friendships were changing, her interests were changing and her moods were changing. She began connecting more with new friends that seemed to be going through the same dark time as she was. Some of her older friendships seemed to be slipping away.

During that dark time in her life, she had a couple friends that stuck by her, yet some with judgement... Maddy always being there to spend time with her, without judgement, just acceptance.  I believe that's when Skye came to realize the strong bond that was forming. I still felt though, that she was holding something back. She didn't want to share too much and not be understood or validated. It took a while to really build that trust between the girls.

At the same time, Maddy's mom, Kris and I had become friends ourselves. Initially superficial, chatting while the girls hung out or while they were at dance. Very quickly though, the walls came down, and we began opening up to each other. Like daughters, like mothers, I guess.

Their love of art and Halloween collides

Over the past year, I have watched the girls relationship deepen. They're maturing into young women and their friendship is also maturing. They have their own interests, yet so many of them overlap, it's hard to tell whose is whose.  When I am out shopping with Skye, she's always looking for things that Maddy would like and often will buy something for her, just because she'd like it.

It's become common for the girls to switch weekends staying at each others houses or cabins. Kris and I laugh that it feels like we have joint custody and every other weekend visitation with the girls. They refer to each others parents as Mom and Dad no matter whose house they're at and are completely comfortable getting food from the others house when hungry. When Skye goes more than a couple days without  seeing Maddy, she will complain that she misses her.

I believe that the relationship a girl has with her BFF, her soul sister, teaches her what it's like to be in a committed adult relationship. Trust, honesty.... intimacy even.  Yet, not like that.
Have you ever hosted a sleepover with teenage girls?? Skye has had sleepovers where three girls have fallen asleep on her twin bed, snuggled up. Girls sit too close, giggle, gossip, cuddle and change clothes in front of their friends. That is how we learn honest intimacy.

They are texting all of the time, about everything and nothing. They want to hang out together, not to do anything specific, just to be together. They are protective of each other when it comes to boys especially.  I have heard Skye get angry and rant about how someone disrespected Maddy... I wouldn't have wanted to be that boy getting the wrath of an angry BFF.

As we grow up, we make many friends...some for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. I believe that first real soul sister is for a reason... to teach us how to care about someone (outside of our family) as much as ourselves, to trust someone fully, to protect someone and to love, unconditionally... this relationship teaches us to accept another person full of imperfections and irritating habits and yet still want them in our lives.

Dance Competition 2014

I also believe that first real soul sister is for a lifetime... maybe not someone we talk to everyday, but someone that we often think of, someone we can call to chat about nothing... and even after five years of not talking, we just pick up where we last were, without missing a beat.

Lessons from my mom on friendship...

Thumpers words of wisdom

I remember, as a little girl, no more than five years old... sitting in the living room of the house that I lived in with my mom, listening to my Bambi record and imagining what all the little critters looked like.  This quote from Thumper stood out to me as the first words of wisdom that actually made sense. To this day, given an opportunity, my mom will remind me of this wisdom as often as she see's fit.

I do my best to live by these words, yet often have to remind myself of them. Especially around my youngest daughter. I would say I am a nice enough person and a good friend, yet I know my downfall is that I can be a bit judgemental, and when I hear the judgemental comments come out of my daughters mouth, I realize... "uh oh... has she learned that from me?" Then I get to remind her of Grandma's (or Thumper's) words of wisdom.

I grew up with a big family, yet not in the way that many would think. I was an only child, until my sister was born when I was thirteen years old. My parents each had three siblings, so it's not like we had a huge extended family either. What I did have though, was two more parents...four in all, while growing up, and since becoming an adult, I have acquired more. That's for another day though.

So, because I had four parents, I had four sets of grandparents, numerous aunts, uncles and cousins and an interesting family dynamic. My biological parents (my mom and dad) met in high-school. My mom and my dad's sister Jeanne, were best friends and had lockers next to each other throughout high-school. My mom spent a lot of time at my grandparents house during those years and she and my dad hit it off. They were high-school sweethearts, they went to prom together and got married right out of high-school when my dad went into the army. My mom and my aunt Jeanne became sisters and my mom also became close with her new mother in law.

Unfortunately, the marriage didn't last. I was born when my mom was 24 and my parents relationship was already rocky. They divorced about a year later. I have no recollection of them ever being together. When I was two years old, my dad met Di, who soon became my new step-mother, and shortly after, my mom met Duane, who became my step-dad. I am explaining the dynamics for a reason, what I learned, is that once you are family, you are always family... and friendship knows no separation if it's strong enough.

As long as I can remember, my mom's closest friends were my aunt Jeanne and my grandma. I remember taking trips to the lake to visit my grandparents with my mom and my aunt and it never seemed odd to me at all. The fact that my mom's two closest friends were her ex-husbands mother and sister didn't even cross my mind, it just was what it was. There was a deep bond, a closeness and a friendship that was just as thick as blood.

We hear so often that blood is thicker than water, and scientifically, yes it is. In my life though, blood is irrelevant. Family isn't about genetics to me, it's about time spent, relationships built and unconditional love. My mom and dad weren't even married a decade, yet when my grandmother took her last breath, her friend, and thirty years prior, her daughter-in-law, was there holding her hand. I never felt that my mom over stepped any boundaries, yet looking back, I am sure there was some animosity with my step-mom who was with my dad for 18 years, yet never developed that strong bond with my grandma like my mom had.

I remember, from my childhood and into my adulthood... on Christmas eve, my mom and step-dad along with my little sister, would go celebrate Christmas with my grandparents (my dad's parents) and my aunt and then  afterward, go to my mom's parents home to celebrate with her biological family. Then, on Christmas day, I would go with my dad and step-mom to visit my grandparents along with the rest of the family. It was accepted, no one questioned it, there was enough love to go around.

My mom has taught me to prioritize relationships that are important to me and not let other's judgements impact who I value as a friend. I look at my mom now and am grateful that she still prioritizes her friendships. My aunt Jeanne, my mom and another girlfriend that they have had since high-school still make time for a few weekends at the lake over the summer. They have barbeques as couples, go out to dinner and movies together and enjoy each others company, forty years after their friendship began. To me, that is a definition of a successful friendship.

Recently my sister and I were talking about how much we learned from this relationship my mom always maintained with my dads family and how we never thought it odd. It was just normal. As kids we never questioned it. My sister always viewed them as her grandparents too and they treated her as such, even though there was no "blood ties" and she had a different dad. They loved and accepted my step-dad also as just an extension of the family.  Only as adults can we see the beauty in it all, we now know that not everyone has the maturity to love "family" no matter the ties, whether broken or not. I am thankful for the lessons my mom has taught me about friendship and how to treat people, from Thumper's words of wisdom to teaching me by her example. I am grateful. Love ya Mom!

When a couple splits up, who gains "custody" of their friends...?

While at a friends daughters wedding, I had a slap in the face realization.

When as a couple you are close friends with another couple and they split up, or divorce, more often then not, even if you aren't intentionally choosing, one of them gains "custody" of the friends.

Let me explain a bit of history on this...

About 18 years ago, when our son Coty was only five years old, his idol was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (yes, this is somewhat relevant) So all he wanted was to be just like them, he wanted to be a ninja. Since I wasn't a master on the subject I decided to enroll him in a local karate school, where he could learn some sweet ninja skills.

That little decision became an eight year adventure... a pretty fun one at that. About a year later, our daughter Niki decided she wanted to be a ninja too:) So be it!! Since I believe that we should be involved with our kids interests, I decided to take classes also, it became a family affair. We met some new friends at the studio, attended and participated in tournaments and learned a lot.

Within the first few months at the school, we met a couple about our age. They also had kids approximately the same age as ours, a boy and a girl. Our kids seemed to get along well and we all thought we may enjoy spending time together. We, Chris and I, (Chris mostly) are a bit rough around the edges, so after going camping with this new couple and their kids, we wondered if they thought we were a bit too goofy for them, and were worried they may not want to continue the friendship. The crazy thing was they didn't feel that way and invited us to get together again.

So, the next step was merging our new friends with some of our old friends. We were pretty sure if we hadn't scared them away on our own, this would do it!! Yet, oddly enough, they seemed to click well with our old friends and everyone got along. As a matter of fact, they had a friend who was recently divorced that they thought my be a perfect match for my then single BFF, Jess. Voila, they introduced her to the man who would eventually become her husband. All was well, we developed what you would call a lifelong friendship, or so we thought.

As the years passed, our kids grew and became involved in other sports. Their son decided to discontinue Karate and a few years later Coty did also. Baseball and Football were more appealing as they were participating with the school and neighborhood kids. We became a bit more distant and actually went a few years without talking. As our kids got older and more independent, we reconnected again and began to do murder mystery games with them and Jess and her husband. We did one at least once a year, they were always a blast!!

After years of camping trips, dinners, nights out, concerts and bonfires, many memories were made. A solid friendship had formed with the guys, who would go watch the fights together without us girls.  We had a lot of girl time too as we bonded while swimming at the lake, making our foofoo girlie drinks and gossiping about our lives, our kids, families, etc.

A few years ago, I received a call from my friend saying she had some suspicions about her husbands fidelity. They had a short separation and then seemed to work it out. A few months later, she called hysterical. He told her he was leaving her, he was in love with someone else, he wanted a divorce and was moving out. She was a mess, for close to a year. Since her kids were both adults at the time, and she didn't want to vent to them, she turned to her friends. She enjoyed spending time at the health club, getting into the best shape of her life as well as hanging out with old friends, meeting new friends and truly having the freedom that she was never "allowed" to have while she was married.

Her husband, who had also been a friend of ours for years, quit calling us, quit coming around and even when my husband, Chris, reached out to him, he didn't reciprocate. He just kind of faded out of our lives, not due to us "choosing his wife", or "taking her side" but more because he thought we judged him and chose her, so he ended up being the one to cut ties, I assume out of embarrassment or shame.

 A couple years went by and both of our daughters got engaged around the same time. We were looking forward to attending her wedding as we were excited to have their family a part of our daughters. My husband even said, "I am looking forward to seeing ***** (my friends ex-husband) and catching up, it's been so long."

Their daughters wedding was beautiful, yet oddly enough, as my husband gestured to his old friend during the ceremony, no gesture was returned. It appeared as if he didn't even know who we were. He never looked our way or made any attempt to say "hi".  During the reception, Chris intercepted him and put his hand out to shake hands and congratulate him. Our old friend gave a quick head nod and continued to walk past us, without any acknowledgment the rest of the day.

To be honest, we were both a bit floored by this behavior. Maybe we were too naive to realize there wouldn't be any animosity. There wasn't for us, so we just didn't think that there would be on his part either. We both had a hard time shaking the feeling of shock and rejection throughout that day.

Looking back on everything, if I knew what would come of my decision to support and encourage my friend during and after their divorce, I would do it all over again. As much as it saddens me that Chris has lost a friend in all of this.  I know that I have a life long soul sister and I would support her no matter what she is going through. That is what friends are for.

Since this incident, I have talked to many people with similar stories. Stories all very different, yet with the same result. All I know is that if a friendship is real, is true, and matters to you, fight for it. If not, maybe it was just meant to be for a "season" and let it go. Always hold on to the fond memories.

Friendship, like marriage... it's work!

How to... make a friend and be a friend - Part 2

As I said in part 1, in my eyes, making friends, is the fun part.. Being a friend, on the other hand is more about give and take, sacrificing time, being inconvenienced at times and being okay with it.

Girlfriends celebrating a new Marriage

 
 


I like to compare friendship to marriage. First of all, when a romantic relationship is new, many people are so giddy and head over heels that they don't see the flaws in the other person, and if they do, they seem petty or minor in the scheme of things. I believe this holds true with friendships also.

Initially, when we are getting to know someone and "courting" a new friendship, we are on our best behavior. Usually, we at least brush our hair and our teeth before meeting up for coffee with a new friend. (I would hope so anyway.)  We are also going to speak a bit more highly of ourselves and our spouses than we may if we were having a bad day and venting to a ten-year BFF.  We basically want to put ourselves in the best possible light to "attract" this friend that we are interested in having in our life.

Remember when you were dating that one special person, and you would wait for them to call, and your heart would race a bit when you heard their voice.  All the jokes that they would tell would seem hilarious and even their quirks were cute... then a few months or years later, they would pee on the toilet seat and not clean it up and you wanted to kill them.... their jokes became more irritating then funny, sometimes based on your menstrual cycle. The difference is how much of a priority we place on this relationship as to whether or not we will accept these nuances and look past them and love them anyway or decide it's not worth it. It's the same with friendships.

I know I drive my friends crazy. Some for different reasons.

I am late a lot, I can be a tiny bit judgmental.
I am way too overprotective with my kids and a worry wart.
I don't always have patience with their kids, and at times discipline them if I think it's needed.
I speak the truth even if they don't want to hear it.
I laugh too loud, I can be obsessive,
and...I can be a bit gassy. (That's just the short list)

Trust me, ask some of them, they could list off many more!! I am so thankful and so blessed that they love me anyway:)

Truth is, we all have our quirks and none of us are perfect so if we can first realize and accept that, we are on the right path.

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married 16 of those years. Since we already know what my friends have to put up with me, you can imagine what he has had to deal with all of these years? My imperfections are many, yet amidst his frustration with them all, he is still here.  That is commitment.  We all know and appreciate the commitment of marriage, yet are we aware there is also commitment in friendship too?

 Jess and I at her wedding reception

Jess, my lifetime BFF, and I have been friends now for 27 years. Talk about commitment! We have been through good times and bad, marriage and divorce, kids and grandkids, we have dealt with each others flaws and loved each other anyway. So, I do know a little bit on the subject of friendship.

When it comes to keeping friends, here's what I know.

Even though all relationships are a two way street, never keep track who's side is cleaner... What I mean is, even though friendships are about give and take, it's not always in the same time frame. We know you have to reap to sow, but that it won't happen in the same season. Some times people are going through a life crisis, and they really need a friend to be there, to support them, hug them, and understand them. During that time in someone's life, they probably aren't going to have a lot to give back, other then their gratitude... and sometimes they may be such a mess, they're incapable of even giving that. Love them anyway, be there anyway and don't keep track.

*Relevant story- I remember when Jess and I were in high school together as young parents. I was always broke. I lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my son, worked part-time and was receiving some help from the county as well as some support from my parents. Needless to say, I was very very broke! I maybe had 20 dollars a month of leftover spending money on a good month, but usually nothing. Jess did it the smart way and lived with her parents throughout high school, so yes, she had bills, but also had a bit left over.

During that era, I was the mooch. I love to share food! In that era though, I usually wasn't the buyer. Many times now, I get to be! Back then, she would hide from me if she had candy and didn't want to share, but most of the time I would find her and she shared. So she got smart and started buying Twix, you know, "One for you, and one for a friend." Now, years later, that's still our thing, but usually I buy. I am sure I owe her many, but who's counting, right?


Never be exclusive, always be inclusive...
I remember back in school how the girls of a particular group wouldn't welcome a newcomer, specifically if they were deemed to be a part of another possibly "un-cool" group. I remember being that girl, being judged, and feeling awful. For some women, those experiences created walls that may never come down, and women that just quit trying to reach out. That saddens me.

Ladies at Twirl

That's not me, nor is it my group of friends. As a matter of fact, just the other day a group of us girls were getting together prior to a church function for ladies, One of our friends brought a neighbor whom we'd never met before, she was welcomed with open arms by the three of us. Shortly after, another friend mentioned she'd invited two ladies from work and was that okay... "of course" we all said and welcomed them to the table, then a co-worker of mine came to meet me and immediately everyone welcomed her and included her in the conversation. I am so proud to call these awesome ladies my friends.

It also helps all our friendships by being inclusive because we all have different groups of friends. We may have close friends at work, close family friends and friends through our spouses. There will be occasions where gatherings may overlap groups and if we keep all these women from knowing each other, we will feel pulled in a hundred directions, rather than relaxed and able to enjoy ourselves. I am blessed to say that my friend group continues to grow as I meet and connect with new ladies. I have also met some amazing friends through my friends, as they have met some through me.

Don't be petty, jealous or possessive...
This goes hand in hand with the last paragraph, because many times women are afraid of letting someone new in the group because they're afraid the new friend may be liked more and they may get pushed aside... REALLY... grow up!!  If your friendships are strong, and true, that is a non-issue!
I must admit there are times I have been guilty of this type of petty jealousy. I have dealt with it though. I have called the person and said, "I know that you didn't intentionally leave me out, but I am feeling a bit jealous." We were able to talk about it and I realized what had happened and why. It's when we don't talk about it, and we sit and stew about it that it can be a relationship destroyer.

Remember as important as our girlfriends are in our lives, we didn't marry them. Which means that we are not always the most important person in their lives, their families are. There are times that they may have to cancel plans due to a family situation. There are times they may just choose to stay home with their hubby and kids rather than have a girls night. Respect that, don't guilt trip them and support them. What goes around comes around.

When you make a commitment, follow through...
It's one thing to prioritize your family, it's another thing to never be counted on, or to have your friends expect that you won't show up, or will have another excuse when you have plans with them. I will admit, as I have gotten older, I am much more of a homebody. I would rather sit on the couch and watch another episode of something on Netflix with my family on a Friday night then get all dressed up and go dancing with the girls. Memories aren't created that way. For you to have bonding, lasting friendships you must be present. So, get off the couch and if you are invited to a girls night and you have nothing major on the calendar, say yes and then go and have an amazing time!!

Remember when we put the effort, time, energy and commitment into ANY relationship, whether it's with our spouse,  kids, parents or our friends, the relationship with flourish.

Well, there are more... but for now, here is where I will end. So until next time, be blessed~ Geli

 

The Art of Making Friends

*The art of making and being a friend~ Part 1 of 2*


As I was on the phone this evening with my BFF Jess, we were discussing the topic of this post.  I told her that I was going to post about making friends and also about being a friend. I laughed and said "Well, one is much easier and much more fun than the other." and her response was "Yes, being a friend is the easy part, I'm not good at making new friends, it's stressful!" She told me that long term relationships are so much easier for her. Yet, she knows I make friends all the time and truly enjoy it!

So, as we were chatting, I was explaining to her the connection I see between marriage and friendship, courting someone and then truly knowing them. She reminded me that she despises dating too, and is much happier with a life long commitment.  As much as I love being married and having long term friendships, I also love the excitement of new relationships and getting to know new people, it's a challenge to me, finding commonalities with others. It's so true that opposites attract. Jess is an introvert and I am an extrovert. She loves counseling, and I love sales.  So knowing that, what I may think is easy, fun and comes naturally, like making friends, I also know that it doesn't come naturally to everyone.

So, for those who struggle with it, like Jess does, remember that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want new relationships in your life, if you feel like you are missing out on having multiple female friendships, someone to call your best friend or the friendships that you have are draining you and filled with drama, it can't hurt to step outside your comfort zone and make some new friends.

So, when it comes to making friends, here is what I know.

Smile, be friendly, courteous and helpful. Nobody wants to befriend a crab!!

Give yourself opportunities to be in situations to meet new people. If you always see the same people, frequent the same stores and never do anything new, it may be difficult to meet a new friend. Again, step outside your comfort zone.

Find someone that makes you smile, who seems to have a positive energy about them and introduce yourself.

Ask questions, a lot of questions... not like a job interview though, more conversational of course. People like to talk about themselves, their family, their kids, their jobs and their hobbies. The right person will follow it up by asking about you. So many people think talking is the key to relationships, it is not, listening is.

Find a commonality, something that connects you. Whether it's liking the same TV series, the same type of music, similar sports or maybe your kids were involved in the same activity, there's always something. Honestly, if there's not, it may not be the right connection.

Find out what they like to do, walking, biking, dancing, listening to live music, going to museums or sitting at a coffee shop and then offer to exchange numbers, or email addresses.

Then call them and invite them out on a friend-date! It may sound crazy, but I have done this and it works!

In my experience, this isn't something you should have to force. If you are doing all of the above and it's just not flowing, you need to know when to step back. We don't need any stalker friendships here!
As we know, not every person we dated romantically ended up in a lifetime relationship with us, that is the same with friends. One of my first posts discusses friendships, for a reason, for a season, and for a lifetime. There are also some that just may remain distant acquaintances or nothing at all, and  that's okay too.
 
As to where to find these new friends, that depends on your age, life situation, etc. It's easier if you are in school, or work outside the home because there are people everywhere for you to connect with.  If your job is being a stay at home mom, you have to be a bit more creative; talking to neighbors, or meeting other moms at the park, possibly enrolling your kiddo's in an activity or early family childhood education. I can tell you, those things are what kept me a little bit sane when my kids were little. 

The following are ways that I have met some of my closest friends.

-in school/college
-through mutual friends
-belonging to a support group
-talking while our children attended a sport
-talking while our kids were in swimming lessons
-volunteering at school functions, in the classroom
-kids were friends and spent time at each others house
-worked together
-kids were in daycare together
-volunteer at church together

The one thing that stands out to me the most is that I have had to step outside my comfort zone numerous times to meet these women. Sitting at home having a pity party wondering why your friends aren't calling wont cut it. It's time to take action!! Having kids makes it easier to find opportunities to volunteer, but it's no excuse if you don't have children. There are so many places that need a helping hand and so many groups out there to connect with others. Even Jess can step outside her comfort zone...As a matter of fact, a couple months ago she called me excitedly one night and said "You're going to be so proud of me, I made a new friend today!!" ...and I was.


That's all for now, part 2 "Being a friend" coming soon, Thanks, be blessed! ~Geli

When A Friend Becomes a Soul Sister ~ "The Story of Erin Michelle and Amber Rose"

*Thank you to my little sis, Erin Michelle, for this reader submitted Soul Sister Story*

When does a friend become a soul sister...?

 

From my experience, there is not a certain life changing event that determines this for you such as a wedding or having a child would, nor is there an “aha” moment.  You won’t be sitting at the bar or at your friend’s baby shower and suddenly realize that this friend is truly connected to you in life and no matter what happens to you, she will be there.  A friend becomes a Soul Sister unexpectedly and over time.

Unlike a fairy tale, Amber and I didn’t just have one conversation and immediately know it was "friendship at first sight". Amber and I didn’t even click right away, it took years of hanging out, loving each other, hating each other, crying together, and laughing together to build the friendship we have today.

I met Amber in band class when I was in sixth grade.  Amber played the trumpet and I played the flute.  We started a conversation by telling each other how much we both hated our band teacher in general, but specifically that day because we had to watch The Wizard of Oz in the dark and he wouldn’t let us sleep instead.  After our initial conversation, it took a few years before we became best friends and little did everyone know, they were in for big trouble!

 
 

Once we hit high school, Amber and I were inseparable.  We did everything together.  We were together so often that our own friends and families would call us by the others name (they still do today).  Looking back, Amber and I weren’t just best friends at that point in our lives, we were family.  Like many families, we had our own ways of doing things such as pressing our favorite numbers on the telephone when making promises (2 for me and 5 for Amber), going by our first and middle names, and wearing the same style clothes but in different colors.

As many teenage girls are, Amber and I were boy crazy and got into a little trouble.  I still laugh when I think about Amber telling her dad that I gave her the big hickey on her neck or when she told her mom that I gave her the condom that her parents found in her pocket.  That one actually got me into trouble because her mom called my mom and then my mom asked me why I was giving out condoms.  I gave my mom the excuse that they were handing them out at the YMCA teen night.  It wasn’t totally a lie since the YMCA did hand out condoms, but I usually didn't take them and if I did, I would blow them up like a balloon rather than give them to one of my friends.  Another time when Amber and I had boys over at her mom’s house while her mom was gone.  One of the guys was walking up the stairs with his backpack on and accidentally knocked over Amber’s mom’s shelf and broke some of her glass chickens which also resulted in breaking the pot of one of her plants.  When Amber’s mom got home, we blamed everything on their dog, Pepper.  Amber’s mom then made us re-pot the plant.  When we went into the garage to get the new pot, we accidentally broke all of the pots in the garage.  I think we laughed for over an hour about this.  We finally went inside and explained that we couldn’t find any usable pots.  Shortly afterward, I dropped the spoon while making spaghetti and Amber’s mom yelled at us “I’m done with both of you, I will be back in a few minutes” and went outside.  Looking back, I really miss those worry free and crazy days even though she made me look like I was always the one with all of the bad ideas.

As adults, Amber and my friendship has been a roller coaster.  We both have experienced so many up's and down's and have been there for each other through everything.  There were times when we were both single and more than ready to mingle, and times when we hated the other’s current boyfriend.  There were times when we were annoyed at each other and times when we had nothing but love for each other.  Amber even sent a “Don’t tell Erin I sent this to you” message on Facebook to the guy I wouldn’t shut up about. Thanks to her and my direction of course, he is my current boyfriend of two and a half years.

There was about a year though when Amber and I rarely spoke.  I was not at a good point in my life and decided that others meant more to me than any friends I had.  I had recently lost my house, along with everything else I had and was living with my parents.  I found a way to get out on my own again, but it wasn’t the right choice to make.  Instead of listening to my conscience, I did what I thought was the best decision at the time.  I lost a few friendships by making the decisions I did and that decision lead me into an even deeper black hole in life.  I remember sitting in my living room crying my eyes out because I didn’t know what my next step was going to be. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to other than family, and I wanted the honest and complete truth.  I was terrified to pick up the phone and call Amber, but I did.  I left her a message that she probably couldn’t understand as I was hysterical.  She called me right back and she was brutally honest with me, but in the nicest way possible told me her opinion and what the next steps I should take were.  I knew she was right and did what I needed to do to put myself back into the best situation I could.  I am very thankful that I called her that day, because I truly believe talking to her pushed me to do what I should have done all along and that was listen to my gut.

 

 

I could literally sit at my computer all day and write a book about our friendship.  We have been through almost everything together, hard relationships, breakups, family problems, etc.  We don’t talk as much as we used to, or hang out as much for that matter, since she is a new mom and I am still adjusting to family life myself.  We also have other friendships that are just as important to us as ours is, but somehow we seem to still have a part in each other’s lives.  I still call her when I am feeling down or text her when I have good news to share and she does the same.   I am truly blessed to have Amber as a friend, as a Soul Sister, and a person to share my experiences in life with. There are no other words more powerful and better to say than thank you and I love you!

                                                                                                                 Erin Voca


*Super proud of you sis, thank you for sharing your Soul Sister story! Love ya, Geli*