Friendship, like marriage... it's work!

How to... make a friend and be a friend - Part 2

As I said in part 1, in my eyes, making friends, is the fun part.. Being a friend, on the other hand is more about give and take, sacrificing time, being inconvenienced at times and being okay with it.

Girlfriends celebrating a new Marriage

 
 


I like to compare friendship to marriage. First of all, when a romantic relationship is new, many people are so giddy and head over heels that they don't see the flaws in the other person, and if they do, they seem petty or minor in the scheme of things. I believe this holds true with friendships also.

Initially, when we are getting to know someone and "courting" a new friendship, we are on our best behavior. Usually, we at least brush our hair and our teeth before meeting up for coffee with a new friend. (I would hope so anyway.)  We are also going to speak a bit more highly of ourselves and our spouses than we may if we were having a bad day and venting to a ten-year BFF.  We basically want to put ourselves in the best possible light to "attract" this friend that we are interested in having in our life.

Remember when you were dating that one special person, and you would wait for them to call, and your heart would race a bit when you heard their voice.  All the jokes that they would tell would seem hilarious and even their quirks were cute... then a few months or years later, they would pee on the toilet seat and not clean it up and you wanted to kill them.... their jokes became more irritating then funny, sometimes based on your menstrual cycle. The difference is how much of a priority we place on this relationship as to whether or not we will accept these nuances and look past them and love them anyway or decide it's not worth it. It's the same with friendships.

I know I drive my friends crazy. Some for different reasons.

I am late a lot, I can be a tiny bit judgmental.
I am way too overprotective with my kids and a worry wart.
I don't always have patience with their kids, and at times discipline them if I think it's needed.
I speak the truth even if they don't want to hear it.
I laugh too loud, I can be obsessive,
and...I can be a bit gassy. (That's just the short list)

Trust me, ask some of them, they could list off many more!! I am so thankful and so blessed that they love me anyway:)

Truth is, we all have our quirks and none of us are perfect so if we can first realize and accept that, we are on the right path.

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married 16 of those years. Since we already know what my friends have to put up with me, you can imagine what he has had to deal with all of these years? My imperfections are many, yet amidst his frustration with them all, he is still here.  That is commitment.  We all know and appreciate the commitment of marriage, yet are we aware there is also commitment in friendship too?

 Jess and I at her wedding reception

Jess, my lifetime BFF, and I have been friends now for 27 years. Talk about commitment! We have been through good times and bad, marriage and divorce, kids and grandkids, we have dealt with each others flaws and loved each other anyway. So, I do know a little bit on the subject of friendship.

When it comes to keeping friends, here's what I know.

Even though all relationships are a two way street, never keep track who's side is cleaner... What I mean is, even though friendships are about give and take, it's not always in the same time frame. We know you have to reap to sow, but that it won't happen in the same season. Some times people are going through a life crisis, and they really need a friend to be there, to support them, hug them, and understand them. During that time in someone's life, they probably aren't going to have a lot to give back, other then their gratitude... and sometimes they may be such a mess, they're incapable of even giving that. Love them anyway, be there anyway and don't keep track.

*Relevant story- I remember when Jess and I were in high school together as young parents. I was always broke. I lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my son, worked part-time and was receiving some help from the county as well as some support from my parents. Needless to say, I was very very broke! I maybe had 20 dollars a month of leftover spending money on a good month, but usually nothing. Jess did it the smart way and lived with her parents throughout high school, so yes, she had bills, but also had a bit left over.

During that era, I was the mooch. I love to share food! In that era though, I usually wasn't the buyer. Many times now, I get to be! Back then, she would hide from me if she had candy and didn't want to share, but most of the time I would find her and she shared. So she got smart and started buying Twix, you know, "One for you, and one for a friend." Now, years later, that's still our thing, but usually I buy. I am sure I owe her many, but who's counting, right?


Never be exclusive, always be inclusive...
I remember back in school how the girls of a particular group wouldn't welcome a newcomer, specifically if they were deemed to be a part of another possibly "un-cool" group. I remember being that girl, being judged, and feeling awful. For some women, those experiences created walls that may never come down, and women that just quit trying to reach out. That saddens me.

Ladies at Twirl

That's not me, nor is it my group of friends. As a matter of fact, just the other day a group of us girls were getting together prior to a church function for ladies, One of our friends brought a neighbor whom we'd never met before, she was welcomed with open arms by the three of us. Shortly after, another friend mentioned she'd invited two ladies from work and was that okay... "of course" we all said and welcomed them to the table, then a co-worker of mine came to meet me and immediately everyone welcomed her and included her in the conversation. I am so proud to call these awesome ladies my friends.

It also helps all our friendships by being inclusive because we all have different groups of friends. We may have close friends at work, close family friends and friends through our spouses. There will be occasions where gatherings may overlap groups and if we keep all these women from knowing each other, we will feel pulled in a hundred directions, rather than relaxed and able to enjoy ourselves. I am blessed to say that my friend group continues to grow as I meet and connect with new ladies. I have also met some amazing friends through my friends, as they have met some through me.

Don't be petty, jealous or possessive...
This goes hand in hand with the last paragraph, because many times women are afraid of letting someone new in the group because they're afraid the new friend may be liked more and they may get pushed aside... REALLY... grow up!!  If your friendships are strong, and true, that is a non-issue!
I must admit there are times I have been guilty of this type of petty jealousy. I have dealt with it though. I have called the person and said, "I know that you didn't intentionally leave me out, but I am feeling a bit jealous." We were able to talk about it and I realized what had happened and why. It's when we don't talk about it, and we sit and stew about it that it can be a relationship destroyer.

Remember as important as our girlfriends are in our lives, we didn't marry them. Which means that we are not always the most important person in their lives, their families are. There are times that they may have to cancel plans due to a family situation. There are times they may just choose to stay home with their hubby and kids rather than have a girls night. Respect that, don't guilt trip them and support them. What goes around comes around.

When you make a commitment, follow through...
It's one thing to prioritize your family, it's another thing to never be counted on, or to have your friends expect that you won't show up, or will have another excuse when you have plans with them. I will admit, as I have gotten older, I am much more of a homebody. I would rather sit on the couch and watch another episode of something on Netflix with my family on a Friday night then get all dressed up and go dancing with the girls. Memories aren't created that way. For you to have bonding, lasting friendships you must be present. So, get off the couch and if you are invited to a girls night and you have nothing major on the calendar, say yes and then go and have an amazing time!!

Remember when we put the effort, time, energy and commitment into ANY relationship, whether it's with our spouse,  kids, parents or our friends, the relationship with flourish.

Well, there are more... but for now, here is where I will end. So until next time, be blessed~ Geli