While at a friends daughters wedding, I had a slap in the face realization.
When as a couple you are close friends with another couple and they split up, or divorce, more often then not, even if you aren't intentionally choosing, one of them gains "custody" of the friends.
Let me explain a bit of history on this...
About 18 years ago, when our son Coty was only five years old, his idol was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (yes, this is somewhat relevant) So all he wanted was to be just like them, he wanted to be a ninja. Since I wasn't a master on the subject I decided to enroll him in a local karate school, where he could learn some sweet ninja skills.
That little decision became an eight year adventure... a pretty fun one at that. About a year later, our daughter Niki decided she wanted to be a ninja too:) So be it!! Since I believe that we should be involved with our kids interests, I decided to take classes also, it became a family affair. We met some new friends at the studio, attended and participated in tournaments and learned a lot.
Within the first few months at the school, we met a couple about our age. They also had kids approximately the same age as ours, a boy and a girl. Our kids seemed to get along well and we all thought we may enjoy spending time together. We, Chris and I, (Chris mostly) are a bit rough around the edges, so after going camping with this new couple and their kids, we wondered if they thought we were a bit too goofy for them, and were worried they may not want to continue the friendship. The crazy thing was they didn't feel that way and invited us to get together again.
So, the next step was merging our new friends with some of our old friends. We were pretty sure if we hadn't scared them away on our own, this would do it!! Yet, oddly enough, they seemed to click well with our old friends and everyone got along. As a matter of fact, they had a friend who was recently divorced that they thought my be a perfect match for my then single BFF, Jess. Voila, they introduced her to the man who would eventually become her husband. All was well, we developed what you would call a lifelong friendship, or so we thought.
As the years passed, our kids grew and became involved in other sports. Their son decided to discontinue Karate and a few years later Coty did also. Baseball and Football were more appealing as they were participating with the school and neighborhood kids. We became a bit more distant and actually went a few years without talking. As our kids got older and more independent, we reconnected again and began to do murder mystery games with them and Jess and her husband. We did one at least once a year, they were always a blast!!
After years of camping trips, dinners, nights out, concerts and bonfires, many memories were made. A solid friendship had formed with the guys, who would go watch the fights together without us girls. We had a lot of girl time too as we bonded while swimming at the lake, making our foofoo girlie drinks and gossiping about our lives, our kids, families, etc.
A few years ago, I received a call from my friend saying she had some suspicions about her husbands fidelity. They had a short separation and then seemed to work it out. A few months later, she called hysterical. He told her he was leaving her, he was in love with someone else, he wanted a divorce and was moving out. She was a mess, for close to a year. Since her kids were both adults at the time, and she didn't want to vent to them, she turned to her friends. She enjoyed spending time at the health club, getting into the best shape of her life as well as hanging out with old friends, meeting new friends and truly having the freedom that she was never "allowed" to have while she was married.
Her husband, who had also been a friend of ours for years, quit calling us, quit coming around and even when my husband, Chris, reached out to him, he didn't reciprocate. He just kind of faded out of our lives, not due to us "choosing his wife", or "taking her side" but more because he thought we judged him and chose her, so he ended up being the one to cut ties, I assume out of embarrassment or shame.
A couple years went by and both of our daughters got engaged around the same time. We were looking forward to attending her wedding as we were excited to have their family a part of our daughters. My husband even said, "I am looking forward to seeing ***** (my friends ex-husband) and catching up, it's been so long."
Their daughters wedding was beautiful, yet oddly enough, as my husband gestured to his old friend during the ceremony, no gesture was returned. It appeared as if he didn't even know who we were. He never looked our way or made any attempt to say "hi". During the reception, Chris intercepted him and put his hand out to shake hands and congratulate him. Our old friend gave a quick head nod and continued to walk past us, without any acknowledgment the rest of the day.
To be honest, we were both a bit floored by this behavior. Maybe we were too naive to realize there wouldn't be any animosity. There wasn't for us, so we just didn't think that there would be on his part either. We both had a hard time shaking the feeling of shock and rejection throughout that day.
Looking back on everything, if I knew what would come of my decision to support and encourage my friend during and after their divorce, I would do it all over again. As much as it saddens me that Chris has lost a friend in all of this. I know that I have a life long soul sister and I would support her no matter what she is going through. That is what friends are for.
Since this incident, I have talked to many people with similar stories. Stories all very different, yet with the same result. All I know is that if a friendship is real, is true, and matters to you, fight for it. If not, maybe it was just meant to be for a "season" and let it go. Always hold on to the fond memories.
