When a couple splits up, who gains "custody" of their friends...?

While at a friends daughters wedding, I had a slap in the face realization.

When as a couple you are close friends with another couple and they split up, or divorce, more often then not, even if you aren't intentionally choosing, one of them gains "custody" of the friends.

Let me explain a bit of history on this...

About 18 years ago, when our son Coty was only five years old, his idol was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (yes, this is somewhat relevant) So all he wanted was to be just like them, he wanted to be a ninja. Since I wasn't a master on the subject I decided to enroll him in a local karate school, where he could learn some sweet ninja skills.

That little decision became an eight year adventure... a pretty fun one at that. About a year later, our daughter Niki decided she wanted to be a ninja too:) So be it!! Since I believe that we should be involved with our kids interests, I decided to take classes also, it became a family affair. We met some new friends at the studio, attended and participated in tournaments and learned a lot.

Within the first few months at the school, we met a couple about our age. They also had kids approximately the same age as ours, a boy and a girl. Our kids seemed to get along well and we all thought we may enjoy spending time together. We, Chris and I, (Chris mostly) are a bit rough around the edges, so after going camping with this new couple and their kids, we wondered if they thought we were a bit too goofy for them, and were worried they may not want to continue the friendship. The crazy thing was they didn't feel that way and invited us to get together again.

So, the next step was merging our new friends with some of our old friends. We were pretty sure if we hadn't scared them away on our own, this would do it!! Yet, oddly enough, they seemed to click well with our old friends and everyone got along. As a matter of fact, they had a friend who was recently divorced that they thought my be a perfect match for my then single BFF, Jess. Voila, they introduced her to the man who would eventually become her husband. All was well, we developed what you would call a lifelong friendship, or so we thought.

As the years passed, our kids grew and became involved in other sports. Their son decided to discontinue Karate and a few years later Coty did also. Baseball and Football were more appealing as they were participating with the school and neighborhood kids. We became a bit more distant and actually went a few years without talking. As our kids got older and more independent, we reconnected again and began to do murder mystery games with them and Jess and her husband. We did one at least once a year, they were always a blast!!

After years of camping trips, dinners, nights out, concerts and bonfires, many memories were made. A solid friendship had formed with the guys, who would go watch the fights together without us girls.  We had a lot of girl time too as we bonded while swimming at the lake, making our foofoo girlie drinks and gossiping about our lives, our kids, families, etc.

A few years ago, I received a call from my friend saying she had some suspicions about her husbands fidelity. They had a short separation and then seemed to work it out. A few months later, she called hysterical. He told her he was leaving her, he was in love with someone else, he wanted a divorce and was moving out. She was a mess, for close to a year. Since her kids were both adults at the time, and she didn't want to vent to them, she turned to her friends. She enjoyed spending time at the health club, getting into the best shape of her life as well as hanging out with old friends, meeting new friends and truly having the freedom that she was never "allowed" to have while she was married.

Her husband, who had also been a friend of ours for years, quit calling us, quit coming around and even when my husband, Chris, reached out to him, he didn't reciprocate. He just kind of faded out of our lives, not due to us "choosing his wife", or "taking her side" but more because he thought we judged him and chose her, so he ended up being the one to cut ties, I assume out of embarrassment or shame.

 A couple years went by and both of our daughters got engaged around the same time. We were looking forward to attending her wedding as we were excited to have their family a part of our daughters. My husband even said, "I am looking forward to seeing ***** (my friends ex-husband) and catching up, it's been so long."

Their daughters wedding was beautiful, yet oddly enough, as my husband gestured to his old friend during the ceremony, no gesture was returned. It appeared as if he didn't even know who we were. He never looked our way or made any attempt to say "hi".  During the reception, Chris intercepted him and put his hand out to shake hands and congratulate him. Our old friend gave a quick head nod and continued to walk past us, without any acknowledgment the rest of the day.

To be honest, we were both a bit floored by this behavior. Maybe we were too naive to realize there wouldn't be any animosity. There wasn't for us, so we just didn't think that there would be on his part either. We both had a hard time shaking the feeling of shock and rejection throughout that day.

Looking back on everything, if I knew what would come of my decision to support and encourage my friend during and after their divorce, I would do it all over again. As much as it saddens me that Chris has lost a friend in all of this.  I know that I have a life long soul sister and I would support her no matter what she is going through. That is what friends are for.

Since this incident, I have talked to many people with similar stories. Stories all very different, yet with the same result. All I know is that if a friendship is real, is true, and matters to you, fight for it. If not, maybe it was just meant to be for a "season" and let it go. Always hold on to the fond memories.

Friendship, like marriage... it's work!

How to... make a friend and be a friend - Part 2

As I said in part 1, in my eyes, making friends, is the fun part.. Being a friend, on the other hand is more about give and take, sacrificing time, being inconvenienced at times and being okay with it.

Girlfriends celebrating a new Marriage

 
 


I like to compare friendship to marriage. First of all, when a romantic relationship is new, many people are so giddy and head over heels that they don't see the flaws in the other person, and if they do, they seem petty or minor in the scheme of things. I believe this holds true with friendships also.

Initially, when we are getting to know someone and "courting" a new friendship, we are on our best behavior. Usually, we at least brush our hair and our teeth before meeting up for coffee with a new friend. (I would hope so anyway.)  We are also going to speak a bit more highly of ourselves and our spouses than we may if we were having a bad day and venting to a ten-year BFF.  We basically want to put ourselves in the best possible light to "attract" this friend that we are interested in having in our life.

Remember when you were dating that one special person, and you would wait for them to call, and your heart would race a bit when you heard their voice.  All the jokes that they would tell would seem hilarious and even their quirks were cute... then a few months or years later, they would pee on the toilet seat and not clean it up and you wanted to kill them.... their jokes became more irritating then funny, sometimes based on your menstrual cycle. The difference is how much of a priority we place on this relationship as to whether or not we will accept these nuances and look past them and love them anyway or decide it's not worth it. It's the same with friendships.

I know I drive my friends crazy. Some for different reasons.

I am late a lot, I can be a tiny bit judgmental.
I am way too overprotective with my kids and a worry wart.
I don't always have patience with their kids, and at times discipline them if I think it's needed.
I speak the truth even if they don't want to hear it.
I laugh too loud, I can be obsessive,
and...I can be a bit gassy. (That's just the short list)

Trust me, ask some of them, they could list off many more!! I am so thankful and so blessed that they love me anyway:)

Truth is, we all have our quirks and none of us are perfect so if we can first realize and accept that, we are on the right path.

My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married 16 of those years. Since we already know what my friends have to put up with me, you can imagine what he has had to deal with all of these years? My imperfections are many, yet amidst his frustration with them all, he is still here.  That is commitment.  We all know and appreciate the commitment of marriage, yet are we aware there is also commitment in friendship too?

 Jess and I at her wedding reception

Jess, my lifetime BFF, and I have been friends now for 27 years. Talk about commitment! We have been through good times and bad, marriage and divorce, kids and grandkids, we have dealt with each others flaws and loved each other anyway. So, I do know a little bit on the subject of friendship.

When it comes to keeping friends, here's what I know.

Even though all relationships are a two way street, never keep track who's side is cleaner... What I mean is, even though friendships are about give and take, it's not always in the same time frame. We know you have to reap to sow, but that it won't happen in the same season. Some times people are going through a life crisis, and they really need a friend to be there, to support them, hug them, and understand them. During that time in someone's life, they probably aren't going to have a lot to give back, other then their gratitude... and sometimes they may be such a mess, they're incapable of even giving that. Love them anyway, be there anyway and don't keep track.

*Relevant story- I remember when Jess and I were in high school together as young parents. I was always broke. I lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my son, worked part-time and was receiving some help from the county as well as some support from my parents. Needless to say, I was very very broke! I maybe had 20 dollars a month of leftover spending money on a good month, but usually nothing. Jess did it the smart way and lived with her parents throughout high school, so yes, she had bills, but also had a bit left over.

During that era, I was the mooch. I love to share food! In that era though, I usually wasn't the buyer. Many times now, I get to be! Back then, she would hide from me if she had candy and didn't want to share, but most of the time I would find her and she shared. So she got smart and started buying Twix, you know, "One for you, and one for a friend." Now, years later, that's still our thing, but usually I buy. I am sure I owe her many, but who's counting, right?


Never be exclusive, always be inclusive...
I remember back in school how the girls of a particular group wouldn't welcome a newcomer, specifically if they were deemed to be a part of another possibly "un-cool" group. I remember being that girl, being judged, and feeling awful. For some women, those experiences created walls that may never come down, and women that just quit trying to reach out. That saddens me.

Ladies at Twirl

That's not me, nor is it my group of friends. As a matter of fact, just the other day a group of us girls were getting together prior to a church function for ladies, One of our friends brought a neighbor whom we'd never met before, she was welcomed with open arms by the three of us. Shortly after, another friend mentioned she'd invited two ladies from work and was that okay... "of course" we all said and welcomed them to the table, then a co-worker of mine came to meet me and immediately everyone welcomed her and included her in the conversation. I am so proud to call these awesome ladies my friends.

It also helps all our friendships by being inclusive because we all have different groups of friends. We may have close friends at work, close family friends and friends through our spouses. There will be occasions where gatherings may overlap groups and if we keep all these women from knowing each other, we will feel pulled in a hundred directions, rather than relaxed and able to enjoy ourselves. I am blessed to say that my friend group continues to grow as I meet and connect with new ladies. I have also met some amazing friends through my friends, as they have met some through me.

Don't be petty, jealous or possessive...
This goes hand in hand with the last paragraph, because many times women are afraid of letting someone new in the group because they're afraid the new friend may be liked more and they may get pushed aside... REALLY... grow up!!  If your friendships are strong, and true, that is a non-issue!
I must admit there are times I have been guilty of this type of petty jealousy. I have dealt with it though. I have called the person and said, "I know that you didn't intentionally leave me out, but I am feeling a bit jealous." We were able to talk about it and I realized what had happened and why. It's when we don't talk about it, and we sit and stew about it that it can be a relationship destroyer.

Remember as important as our girlfriends are in our lives, we didn't marry them. Which means that we are not always the most important person in their lives, their families are. There are times that they may have to cancel plans due to a family situation. There are times they may just choose to stay home with their hubby and kids rather than have a girls night. Respect that, don't guilt trip them and support them. What goes around comes around.

When you make a commitment, follow through...
It's one thing to prioritize your family, it's another thing to never be counted on, or to have your friends expect that you won't show up, or will have another excuse when you have plans with them. I will admit, as I have gotten older, I am much more of a homebody. I would rather sit on the couch and watch another episode of something on Netflix with my family on a Friday night then get all dressed up and go dancing with the girls. Memories aren't created that way. For you to have bonding, lasting friendships you must be present. So, get off the couch and if you are invited to a girls night and you have nothing major on the calendar, say yes and then go and have an amazing time!!

Remember when we put the effort, time, energy and commitment into ANY relationship, whether it's with our spouse,  kids, parents or our friends, the relationship with flourish.

Well, there are more... but for now, here is where I will end. So until next time, be blessed~ Geli

 

The Art of Making Friends

*The art of making and being a friend~ Part 1 of 2*


As I was on the phone this evening with my BFF Jess, we were discussing the topic of this post.  I told her that I was going to post about making friends and also about being a friend. I laughed and said "Well, one is much easier and much more fun than the other." and her response was "Yes, being a friend is the easy part, I'm not good at making new friends, it's stressful!" She told me that long term relationships are so much easier for her. Yet, she knows I make friends all the time and truly enjoy it!

So, as we were chatting, I was explaining to her the connection I see between marriage and friendship, courting someone and then truly knowing them. She reminded me that she despises dating too, and is much happier with a life long commitment.  As much as I love being married and having long term friendships, I also love the excitement of new relationships and getting to know new people, it's a challenge to me, finding commonalities with others. It's so true that opposites attract. Jess is an introvert and I am an extrovert. She loves counseling, and I love sales.  So knowing that, what I may think is easy, fun and comes naturally, like making friends, I also know that it doesn't come naturally to everyone.

So, for those who struggle with it, like Jess does, remember that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you want new relationships in your life, if you feel like you are missing out on having multiple female friendships, someone to call your best friend or the friendships that you have are draining you and filled with drama, it can't hurt to step outside your comfort zone and make some new friends.

So, when it comes to making friends, here is what I know.

Smile, be friendly, courteous and helpful. Nobody wants to befriend a crab!!

Give yourself opportunities to be in situations to meet new people. If you always see the same people, frequent the same stores and never do anything new, it may be difficult to meet a new friend. Again, step outside your comfort zone.

Find someone that makes you smile, who seems to have a positive energy about them and introduce yourself.

Ask questions, a lot of questions... not like a job interview though, more conversational of course. People like to talk about themselves, their family, their kids, their jobs and their hobbies. The right person will follow it up by asking about you. So many people think talking is the key to relationships, it is not, listening is.

Find a commonality, something that connects you. Whether it's liking the same TV series, the same type of music, similar sports or maybe your kids were involved in the same activity, there's always something. Honestly, if there's not, it may not be the right connection.

Find out what they like to do, walking, biking, dancing, listening to live music, going to museums or sitting at a coffee shop and then offer to exchange numbers, or email addresses.

Then call them and invite them out on a friend-date! It may sound crazy, but I have done this and it works!

In my experience, this isn't something you should have to force. If you are doing all of the above and it's just not flowing, you need to know when to step back. We don't need any stalker friendships here!
As we know, not every person we dated romantically ended up in a lifetime relationship with us, that is the same with friends. One of my first posts discusses friendships, for a reason, for a season, and for a lifetime. There are also some that just may remain distant acquaintances or nothing at all, and  that's okay too.
 
As to where to find these new friends, that depends on your age, life situation, etc. It's easier if you are in school, or work outside the home because there are people everywhere for you to connect with.  If your job is being a stay at home mom, you have to be a bit more creative; talking to neighbors, or meeting other moms at the park, possibly enrolling your kiddo's in an activity or early family childhood education. I can tell you, those things are what kept me a little bit sane when my kids were little. 

The following are ways that I have met some of my closest friends.

-in school/college
-through mutual friends
-belonging to a support group
-talking while our children attended a sport
-talking while our kids were in swimming lessons
-volunteering at school functions, in the classroom
-kids were friends and spent time at each others house
-worked together
-kids were in daycare together
-volunteer at church together

The one thing that stands out to me the most is that I have had to step outside my comfort zone numerous times to meet these women. Sitting at home having a pity party wondering why your friends aren't calling wont cut it. It's time to take action!! Having kids makes it easier to find opportunities to volunteer, but it's no excuse if you don't have children. There are so many places that need a helping hand and so many groups out there to connect with others. Even Jess can step outside her comfort zone...As a matter of fact, a couple months ago she called me excitedly one night and said "You're going to be so proud of me, I made a new friend today!!" ...and I was.


That's all for now, part 2 "Being a friend" coming soon, Thanks, be blessed! ~Geli

When A Friend Becomes a Soul Sister ~ "The Story of Erin Michelle and Amber Rose"

*Thank you to my little sis, Erin Michelle, for this reader submitted Soul Sister Story*

When does a friend become a soul sister...?

 

From my experience, there is not a certain life changing event that determines this for you such as a wedding or having a child would, nor is there an “aha” moment.  You won’t be sitting at the bar or at your friend’s baby shower and suddenly realize that this friend is truly connected to you in life and no matter what happens to you, she will be there.  A friend becomes a Soul Sister unexpectedly and over time.

Unlike a fairy tale, Amber and I didn’t just have one conversation and immediately know it was "friendship at first sight". Amber and I didn’t even click right away, it took years of hanging out, loving each other, hating each other, crying together, and laughing together to build the friendship we have today.

I met Amber in band class when I was in sixth grade.  Amber played the trumpet and I played the flute.  We started a conversation by telling each other how much we both hated our band teacher in general, but specifically that day because we had to watch The Wizard of Oz in the dark and he wouldn’t let us sleep instead.  After our initial conversation, it took a few years before we became best friends and little did everyone know, they were in for big trouble!

 
 

Once we hit high school, Amber and I were inseparable.  We did everything together.  We were together so often that our own friends and families would call us by the others name (they still do today).  Looking back, Amber and I weren’t just best friends at that point in our lives, we were family.  Like many families, we had our own ways of doing things such as pressing our favorite numbers on the telephone when making promises (2 for me and 5 for Amber), going by our first and middle names, and wearing the same style clothes but in different colors.

As many teenage girls are, Amber and I were boy crazy and got into a little trouble.  I still laugh when I think about Amber telling her dad that I gave her the big hickey on her neck or when she told her mom that I gave her the condom that her parents found in her pocket.  That one actually got me into trouble because her mom called my mom and then my mom asked me why I was giving out condoms.  I gave my mom the excuse that they were handing them out at the YMCA teen night.  It wasn’t totally a lie since the YMCA did hand out condoms, but I usually didn't take them and if I did, I would blow them up like a balloon rather than give them to one of my friends.  Another time when Amber and I had boys over at her mom’s house while her mom was gone.  One of the guys was walking up the stairs with his backpack on and accidentally knocked over Amber’s mom’s shelf and broke some of her glass chickens which also resulted in breaking the pot of one of her plants.  When Amber’s mom got home, we blamed everything on their dog, Pepper.  Amber’s mom then made us re-pot the plant.  When we went into the garage to get the new pot, we accidentally broke all of the pots in the garage.  I think we laughed for over an hour about this.  We finally went inside and explained that we couldn’t find any usable pots.  Shortly afterward, I dropped the spoon while making spaghetti and Amber’s mom yelled at us “I’m done with both of you, I will be back in a few minutes” and went outside.  Looking back, I really miss those worry free and crazy days even though she made me look like I was always the one with all of the bad ideas.

As adults, Amber and my friendship has been a roller coaster.  We both have experienced so many up's and down's and have been there for each other through everything.  There were times when we were both single and more than ready to mingle, and times when we hated the other’s current boyfriend.  There were times when we were annoyed at each other and times when we had nothing but love for each other.  Amber even sent a “Don’t tell Erin I sent this to you” message on Facebook to the guy I wouldn’t shut up about. Thanks to her and my direction of course, he is my current boyfriend of two and a half years.

There was about a year though when Amber and I rarely spoke.  I was not at a good point in my life and decided that others meant more to me than any friends I had.  I had recently lost my house, along with everything else I had and was living with my parents.  I found a way to get out on my own again, but it wasn’t the right choice to make.  Instead of listening to my conscience, I did what I thought was the best decision at the time.  I lost a few friendships by making the decisions I did and that decision lead me into an even deeper black hole in life.  I remember sitting in my living room crying my eyes out because I didn’t know what my next step was going to be. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to other than family, and I wanted the honest and complete truth.  I was terrified to pick up the phone and call Amber, but I did.  I left her a message that she probably couldn’t understand as I was hysterical.  She called me right back and she was brutally honest with me, but in the nicest way possible told me her opinion and what the next steps I should take were.  I knew she was right and did what I needed to do to put myself back into the best situation I could.  I am very thankful that I called her that day, because I truly believe talking to her pushed me to do what I should have done all along and that was listen to my gut.

 

 

I could literally sit at my computer all day and write a book about our friendship.  We have been through almost everything together, hard relationships, breakups, family problems, etc.  We don’t talk as much as we used to, or hang out as much for that matter, since she is a new mom and I am still adjusting to family life myself.  We also have other friendships that are just as important to us as ours is, but somehow we seem to still have a part in each other’s lives.  I still call her when I am feeling down or text her when I have good news to share and she does the same.   I am truly blessed to have Amber as a friend, as a Soul Sister, and a person to share my experiences in life with. There are no other words more powerful and better to say than thank you and I love you!

                                                                                                                 Erin Voca


*Super proud of you sis, thank you for sharing your Soul Sister story! Love ya, Geli*

Friendship... Un-cliqued

definition of:  Clique- a narrow, exclusive circle or group of persons, held together by common interests

It's perfectly normal to associate with those of a common interest, isn't it?

I would say, yes! Of course it is...

Yet, why then, is the concept of the clique so derogatory?

Back in 1985, my family and I moved. My parents sold the home that I was raised in and attended school for all of my primary years in the Camden neighborhood in North Minneapolis and bought a new home in the suburbs, Brooklyn Park, to be exact. To say that I was upset, was an understatement.

My best friend at the time and I decided we would merge all of our funds together and run away. I am not fully sure where we thought we were going to go, or truthfully how that was going to help the situation, but I do know that at the time, it sounded like a much better option than moving to the suburbs. I was 12 years old, and ready to begin Jr High school and knew 100% that I didn't want to experience that time of my life with a bunch of preppy suburban kids.

Well, I know this may be shocking, but we didn't end up running away and I did move to Brooklyn Park the summer prior to starting 7th grade. I had one friend that went to my new school so that was better than nothing and interestingly enough, I realized very quickly that it wasn't all "preppy" kids either.

Lets see... there were the jocks, the preps, the nerds, and the dirt balls. I knew where I didn't fit... but I wasn't sure where I did fit. I, unlike most teenagers didn't really care what clique people were in. I was pretty shy initially, then just talked to the kids that talked to me. I became friends with those who were nice to me and felt I had some things in common with. I did end up being a part of a clique per se, mostly based on musical taste and a style I was into. I will leave the rest a mystery!

What I have figured out as an adult about cliques, is that the negative connotation isn't the part about spending time with those of common interests. The negative part is the word exclusive. As an adult, we tell our children to be inclusive when it comes to their siblings, or neighborhood kids. We also need to remember it's okay to be inclusive with our friends, and our friends friends.

A number of years ago, a few of us girlfriends began celebrating Christmas together with our kids, and as our families grew, with our spouses and step kids. One year I wanted to invite someone new to the gathering and one of the girls was very negative about that. I believe it was out of jealousy and concern this new friend was somehow going to replace her in my life.

What I have found is that my true friends, my soul sisters don't have fear like that. They know their place in my life and I know mine in theirs. The new friendships made can enhance the others, we can create new memories while telling stories and reminiscing the old. I am blessed to say, my group of friends has continued to grow.

As I was sitting having coffee with my friend, D'Ann recently, my mind was churning with thoughts of cliques. D'Ann and I met about seven years ago while volunteering in our daughters 2nd grade classroom. Our daughters were friends and we easily became lost in conversation.  Now seven years later D'Ann and I are still good friends yet our daughters rarely talk. D'Ann's daughter Kayla is an amazing athlete! She has played for years both basketball and softball. She is extremely competitive and has a great work ethic with her sports. She dresses the part, cute and sporty. My daughter Skye is an artist, a creative soul. She is an amazingly talented writer, draws beautifully and loves music with a passion. Her sport is dance and my heart melts when I watch her dance. Her style is a bit more rock star. They are part of different cliques. Skye said to me recently how she believes that she and Kayla will reconnect as adults. She still likes Kayla, there are no hard feelings or animosity. They just run with different groups. I told D'Ann that and also that I bet if she and I were in the same grade at the same school we probably wouldn't have talked either. She was big in to softball and if a ball came at me, I would cover my eyes and duck. I would have found the guys that played in the garage band and hung out with them writing lyrics as I listened.

Yet today, while D'Ann and I sit and have coffee, a good 20 plus years out of high school, none of that matters. What we have in common now is the love for our kids and our husbands, frustrations with family drama, stories of our jobs and hopes and dreams about our futures. We sit and listen to each other, counsel each other through rough times and encourage and support each other through life's ups and downs. The fact that her passion was softball and my fear was gym class just isn't relevant in our life today. When I have gatherings at my house, D'Ann comes, has gotten to know some of my other soul sisters and is inclusive with them as they are with her.

D'Ann and I, May 2014

We all go through the teen years, and maybe dealing with the cliques is just a right of passage. I don't know... what I do know though is that it doesn't have to continue throughout our adult lives. Think of all the amazing friendships we may pass up due to some preconceived notion that we might not fit in or that due to a difference we may not get along. I say, lets find what we do have in common and go from there. Let's become un-cliqued.

Thanks for reading, be blessed.~ Geli

Keep your heart open, you're never too old to make new friends

One of my inner circle friends is Jenn. I met Jenn a few years ago (while in my late 30's)when she came in to my office for an interview. I happened to be the interviewer. Thinking back, it makes me smile... She came in and sat down in my office. I began asking the traditional questions and she began telling me her goals and dreams and plans for her life, all in her cute southern drawl. I immediately liked her energy and enthusiasm. She, like me, is a big thinker, a dreamer, and has the desire to be a world changer.

She got started with our company, and I had the privilege to be her trainer. While training her, there was a lot of one on one time that allowed us to get to know one another. One of my qualities, not quite sure if it's a good or bad one all the time, is that I am pretty much an open book. If I connect with someone, and feel I can trust them, I open up very quickly. Jenn and I both have that quality, so very quickly we knew many of each others deep dark secrets.

It was so easy to become friends with Jenn, that I forget sometimes that she is almost a decade my junior. As I am closing the gap on becoming an empty nester fairly soon, she is planning her family. We had our first grandson before they had one of their own. Jenn and her husband Jake are actually closer to our oldest kids age then mine and my husbands. Yet, the connection is so perfect, it's just not an issue. My husband, Chris is a bit tough when it comes to "couples friendships". He can be a bit reserved with opening himself up. Yet from the first time we hung out with Jenn and Jake, he liked them both! Jake and Chris have become friends and I love that!!

One of the amazing things that attracts people to Jenn is that she is a sincere giver. She gives without expectation of getting anything back. She is always willing to help. I can think of so many examples that she has honestly melted my heart with her generosity.

After being friends with Jenn for a little over a year, she called me a few nights before Christmas and asked me what I was doing, I told her I was running to Wal-Mart to pick a few things up, she said she was on her way there too and maybe we would run into each other. After shopping for a few things, we happened to be walking out together and she said, "Come here, I have something for you." I walked to her car and she pulled out a big bag and said "Merry Christmas". I knew right away what it was... a quilt. Jenn makes beautiful quilts and I was blessed with a very special one... A few months prior we were talking about Christmas traditions and I had mentioned that ever since my kids were little, we have read them the book 'T'was The Night Before Christmas' on the night before Christmas. Jenn found fabric with the entire story written out on it. She made it into an amazingly beautiful quilt that I will keep forever. The last few Christmases, we have read the quilt in lieu of the actual book as a new tradition with our Grandson.

our daughters and grandson reading the quilt

In a previous blog, I discussed party friends. Jenn is definitely one of my party friends!!  I believe anyone can show up to something major, a wedding, graduation, baby shower, bachelorette party, etc... Real friends though, come early to help, stay late to assist with the clean up, and even may be there to help plan. Shortly after meeting Jenn, we had a baby shower for our daughter, Niki. Jenn had only met her once at that time, yet, I invited her to the shower. She showed up early to help, and brought one of Niki's favorite gifts, a hand made diaper bag, in the color scheme of the nursery, that she made herself...that's putting thought into it! Since then, we have invited her to our grandsons birthdays, my sons sobriety celebration party, my 40th birthday and other gatherings....Not only have I learned that Jenn is someone that I can count on showing up, she is also someone I know will call ahead to offer to come early to help, or ask "What else do you need, is there anything you would like for me to pick up?" It is always so much appreciated. She is a true party friend!

Jenn's generosity, as I said earlier has melted my heart. About six months ago, I was going through a pretty major family crisis and had gotten into a bit of a funk. Jenn called me one day to check on me and I honestly spilled my guts. I told her I was feeling really down and hurt physically, emotionally and mentally, and all I wanted (as most women do) is a day at a spa.. a massage, facial, pedicure and manicure. I wasn't in any way seriously asking for these things, just voicing my misery and my desire.

hiking while getting spoiled at the spa

About a week later, Jenn calls me and says, I need you to give me a weekend that you can get away, for the entire weekend. Then she said, don't ask any questions, that's all I am telling you. She is kind of bossy so I did as she said. I had a sneaking suspicion that Jenn took me seriously and knowing her generosity thought maybe we were going to a hotel with a spa available. Did she ever blow me away!?!  She picked me up and couldn't contain her excitement any longer... She showed me the brochure of the place we were going. A freaking spa retreat in the middle of rural Minnesota, a place to be pampered, with yoga and fitness classes, four different spa treatments, hiking trails, with breakfast, lunch and dinner served to our liking. I have never experienced anything like that before. We had an amazing time. I was able to let go of the stress for the weekend and allow myself to be pampered. We took selfies, we giggled like little girls and were treated like princesses. I couldn't stop thanking her. I don't know if I ever will be able to thank her enough for giving me exactly what I needed at that time in my life. Someday I hope to repay her as much.

The crazy thing about Jenn is that she has said to me on numerous occasions that she doesn't feel like women like her, and that she feels judged. I just can't fathom that, unless it's out of envy or jealousy. What I see is a sweet and generous soul that wants to be treated the way she treats others. Yet, she has this tough girl persona sometimes, (I call it her hard candy shell) to protect her sincere southern sweetness. There's something about that specifically that I relate to, or connect with. I guess that is what friendship is about though, finding commonality, a true connection.

Jenn has had her share of rough times over the past few years with some pretty serious physical issues and most recently infertility issues. Ever since I met her I knew she would make an amazing mother and have prayed for their wishes to come true. After a failed attempt at IVF, hopes were down, yet she seemed to stay positive and be happy for all those around her getting pregnant and making baby shower gifts to spoil them with. I was in awe with her strength and positive outlook.

So, when I received a text after midnight one night from her a couple months ago with a pic of a positive pregnancy test, I couldn't be any happier than if it were my own!! She, more than anyone I know, deserves this blessing and I am so excited to shower her with gifts and love and parties. For those who spoil others need their time to be spoiled too!

I am so thankful that Jenn started as a work friend, became a party friend and a family friend and is now most certainly my soul sister. I adore her and am so blessed to have her in my life.

Be blessed~ Geli

It's all about who you party with!!

I have heard, and also said a few times that the friends you "party" with aren't really true friends, but mere acquaintances, or "fair weather friends".. and honestly, throughout my life I have had my share of party friends where that rings true.

Looking back, I realize that I have had many separate groups of friends, as I am sure is the case for many people. I have had neighborhood friends, work friends, school friends, theater friends, family friends, friends that I have met due to our kids being friends, and yes...party friends. Many times there was an overlap between the groups. Some of my school friends I ended up working with and even partying with.  Yet some, you just want to keep in their own special category. Not necessarily because they aren't real friends, but possibly because they may not mesh with the other groups well.  Obviously, the more overlapping one friend has, the more likely, they will become a true friend, a BFF... a soul sister.

I was thinking the other day about my current inner circle and it's interesting to me how we just connect with certain people, some over a long period of time, and some very quickly.
My inner circle is filled with a handful of interwoven relationships. These are the soul sisters that I open up to, that I call in a crisis... or if I just want to meet for coffee or a drink. These are the women that, not only would I invite to a birthday or graduation party, shower, wedding, or house warming party... they're also the ones who would be invited to "the test came back cancer-free party" or the "I don't know what to do now that I'm an empty nester" party. I believe that these ladies are my inner circle friends because they, most of them anyway, not only know of each other but have spent time with the others, due to a commonality... me. They are my friends. Some of them were friends before I came along, many of them met through me, and now are friends. That is why they are my friends...they are accepting, and welcoming, they are inclusive, not exclusive.

I have a handful of other friends, acquaintances and coworkers that I also love dearly, yet these women have a special place in my heart. They are my party friends.

In life we go though one crisis after another. I am sure you have heard the cliché that states that we are either coming out of a crisis, in the midst of one, or headed for one. Friends, our real friends are usually the ones that we celebrate with, grieve with and sometimes, just be present with and for each other.  I have attended a few close friends' "divorce papers finally signed" parties  and have also taken a friend for a "girls night out" when she found out about an untimely and very unexpected pregnancy.

Friendship isn't always convenient and there are times when all I want is to sit home and relax with my family. I am definitely not the "night on the town" girl that I once was! The thing is, sometimes it's not about how YOU feel, or how I feel... it's about making someone else feel special, and feel important. The friendships that ride the storm are the ones that are together not just during the happy times but more importantly, who stays by your side amidst your life falling apart, your own fault or not.

When my son had his two years sobriety celebration, these are the women I invited, along with family...they came to celebrate because they were there for the hard times. Our true friends are there for us in the midst of crisis, we must make sure to remember to invite them to our moments of blessing and celebration also. And always remember, convenient or not, on good hair days and bloated days, when your friends need you, when they reach out to you whether for a hug or to celebrate, memories are being made. You don't want to be remembered as the one who always bails out, or never follows through, you want to be the one that is the first on the invite list to the party! Because without you, a "my kid is finally out of diapers" party isn't a party!

Be blessed~ Geli