Keep your heart open, you're never too old to make new friends

One of my inner circle friends is Jenn. I met Jenn a few years ago (while in my late 30's)when she came in to my office for an interview. I happened to be the interviewer. Thinking back, it makes me smile... She came in and sat down in my office. I began asking the traditional questions and she began telling me her goals and dreams and plans for her life, all in her cute southern drawl. I immediately liked her energy and enthusiasm. She, like me, is a big thinker, a dreamer, and has the desire to be a world changer.

She got started with our company, and I had the privilege to be her trainer. While training her, there was a lot of one on one time that allowed us to get to know one another. One of my qualities, not quite sure if it's a good or bad one all the time, is that I am pretty much an open book. If I connect with someone, and feel I can trust them, I open up very quickly. Jenn and I both have that quality, so very quickly we knew many of each others deep dark secrets.

It was so easy to become friends with Jenn, that I forget sometimes that she is almost a decade my junior. As I am closing the gap on becoming an empty nester fairly soon, she is planning her family. We had our first grandson before they had one of their own. Jenn and her husband Jake are actually closer to our oldest kids age then mine and my husbands. Yet, the connection is so perfect, it's just not an issue. My husband, Chris is a bit tough when it comes to "couples friendships". He can be a bit reserved with opening himself up. Yet from the first time we hung out with Jenn and Jake, he liked them both! Jake and Chris have become friends and I love that!!

One of the amazing things that attracts people to Jenn is that she is a sincere giver. She gives without expectation of getting anything back. She is always willing to help. I can think of so many examples that she has honestly melted my heart with her generosity.

After being friends with Jenn for a little over a year, she called me a few nights before Christmas and asked me what I was doing, I told her I was running to Wal-Mart to pick a few things up, she said she was on her way there too and maybe we would run into each other. After shopping for a few things, we happened to be walking out together and she said, "Come here, I have something for you." I walked to her car and she pulled out a big bag and said "Merry Christmas". I knew right away what it was... a quilt. Jenn makes beautiful quilts and I was blessed with a very special one... A few months prior we were talking about Christmas traditions and I had mentioned that ever since my kids were little, we have read them the book 'T'was The Night Before Christmas' on the night before Christmas. Jenn found fabric with the entire story written out on it. She made it into an amazingly beautiful quilt that I will keep forever. The last few Christmases, we have read the quilt in lieu of the actual book as a new tradition with our Grandson.

our daughters and grandson reading the quilt

In a previous blog, I discussed party friends. Jenn is definitely one of my party friends!!  I believe anyone can show up to something major, a wedding, graduation, baby shower, bachelorette party, etc... Real friends though, come early to help, stay late to assist with the clean up, and even may be there to help plan. Shortly after meeting Jenn, we had a baby shower for our daughter, Niki. Jenn had only met her once at that time, yet, I invited her to the shower. She showed up early to help, and brought one of Niki's favorite gifts, a hand made diaper bag, in the color scheme of the nursery, that she made herself...that's putting thought into it! Since then, we have invited her to our grandsons birthdays, my sons sobriety celebration party, my 40th birthday and other gatherings....Not only have I learned that Jenn is someone that I can count on showing up, she is also someone I know will call ahead to offer to come early to help, or ask "What else do you need, is there anything you would like for me to pick up?" It is always so much appreciated. She is a true party friend!

Jenn's generosity, as I said earlier has melted my heart. About six months ago, I was going through a pretty major family crisis and had gotten into a bit of a funk. Jenn called me one day to check on me and I honestly spilled my guts. I told her I was feeling really down and hurt physically, emotionally and mentally, and all I wanted (as most women do) is a day at a spa.. a massage, facial, pedicure and manicure. I wasn't in any way seriously asking for these things, just voicing my misery and my desire.

hiking while getting spoiled at the spa

About a week later, Jenn calls me and says, I need you to give me a weekend that you can get away, for the entire weekend. Then she said, don't ask any questions, that's all I am telling you. She is kind of bossy so I did as she said. I had a sneaking suspicion that Jenn took me seriously and knowing her generosity thought maybe we were going to a hotel with a spa available. Did she ever blow me away!?!  She picked me up and couldn't contain her excitement any longer... She showed me the brochure of the place we were going. A freaking spa retreat in the middle of rural Minnesota, a place to be pampered, with yoga and fitness classes, four different spa treatments, hiking trails, with breakfast, lunch and dinner served to our liking. I have never experienced anything like that before. We had an amazing time. I was able to let go of the stress for the weekend and allow myself to be pampered. We took selfies, we giggled like little girls and were treated like princesses. I couldn't stop thanking her. I don't know if I ever will be able to thank her enough for giving me exactly what I needed at that time in my life. Someday I hope to repay her as much.

The crazy thing about Jenn is that she has said to me on numerous occasions that she doesn't feel like women like her, and that she feels judged. I just can't fathom that, unless it's out of envy or jealousy. What I see is a sweet and generous soul that wants to be treated the way she treats others. Yet, she has this tough girl persona sometimes, (I call it her hard candy shell) to protect her sincere southern sweetness. There's something about that specifically that I relate to, or connect with. I guess that is what friendship is about though, finding commonality, a true connection.

Jenn has had her share of rough times over the past few years with some pretty serious physical issues and most recently infertility issues. Ever since I met her I knew she would make an amazing mother and have prayed for their wishes to come true. After a failed attempt at IVF, hopes were down, yet she seemed to stay positive and be happy for all those around her getting pregnant and making baby shower gifts to spoil them with. I was in awe with her strength and positive outlook.

So, when I received a text after midnight one night from her a couple months ago with a pic of a positive pregnancy test, I couldn't be any happier than if it were my own!! She, more than anyone I know, deserves this blessing and I am so excited to shower her with gifts and love and parties. For those who spoil others need their time to be spoiled too!

I am so thankful that Jenn started as a work friend, became a party friend and a family friend and is now most certainly my soul sister. I adore her and am so blessed to have her in my life.

Be blessed~ Geli

It's all about who you party with!!

I have heard, and also said a few times that the friends you "party" with aren't really true friends, but mere acquaintances, or "fair weather friends".. and honestly, throughout my life I have had my share of party friends where that rings true.

Looking back, I realize that I have had many separate groups of friends, as I am sure is the case for many people. I have had neighborhood friends, work friends, school friends, theater friends, family friends, friends that I have met due to our kids being friends, and yes...party friends. Many times there was an overlap between the groups. Some of my school friends I ended up working with and even partying with.  Yet some, you just want to keep in their own special category. Not necessarily because they aren't real friends, but possibly because they may not mesh with the other groups well.  Obviously, the more overlapping one friend has, the more likely, they will become a true friend, a BFF... a soul sister.

I was thinking the other day about my current inner circle and it's interesting to me how we just connect with certain people, some over a long period of time, and some very quickly.
My inner circle is filled with a handful of interwoven relationships. These are the soul sisters that I open up to, that I call in a crisis... or if I just want to meet for coffee or a drink. These are the women that, not only would I invite to a birthday or graduation party, shower, wedding, or house warming party... they're also the ones who would be invited to "the test came back cancer-free party" or the "I don't know what to do now that I'm an empty nester" party. I believe that these ladies are my inner circle friends because they, most of them anyway, not only know of each other but have spent time with the others, due to a commonality... me. They are my friends. Some of them were friends before I came along, many of them met through me, and now are friends. That is why they are my friends...they are accepting, and welcoming, they are inclusive, not exclusive.

I have a handful of other friends, acquaintances and coworkers that I also love dearly, yet these women have a special place in my heart. They are my party friends.

In life we go though one crisis after another. I am sure you have heard the cliché that states that we are either coming out of a crisis, in the midst of one, or headed for one. Friends, our real friends are usually the ones that we celebrate with, grieve with and sometimes, just be present with and for each other.  I have attended a few close friends' "divorce papers finally signed" parties  and have also taken a friend for a "girls night out" when she found out about an untimely and very unexpected pregnancy.

Friendship isn't always convenient and there are times when all I want is to sit home and relax with my family. I am definitely not the "night on the town" girl that I once was! The thing is, sometimes it's not about how YOU feel, or how I feel... it's about making someone else feel special, and feel important. The friendships that ride the storm are the ones that are together not just during the happy times but more importantly, who stays by your side amidst your life falling apart, your own fault or not.

When my son had his two years sobriety celebration, these are the women I invited, along with family...they came to celebrate because they were there for the hard times. Our true friends are there for us in the midst of crisis, we must make sure to remember to invite them to our moments of blessing and celebration also. And always remember, convenient or not, on good hair days and bloated days, when your friends need you, when they reach out to you whether for a hug or to celebrate, memories are being made. You don't want to be remembered as the one who always bails out, or never follows through, you want to be the one that is the first on the invite list to the party! Because without you, a "my kid is finally out of diapers" party isn't a party!

Be blessed~ Geli

The "Love at First Sight" Friendship -by Kris Drew

                                                           ~ Intro by Geli ~

  Since starting the Soul Sisters Facebook page and then the blog, one of my favorite things to do is to talk to other women about their friendships. I have always been interested in the lives and relationships of others, but now more than ever, I am truly enjoying hearing these stories. One of the things that I am most excited about is getting other women to submit their Soul Sister stories. I love hearing about the chance meetings, the Divine intervention, and the beautiful relationships that are created between women and their best friends.

on a winter hike

As I have been working on Soul Sisters material, I have also been practicing what I preach; I have been prioritizing my lifelong friendships, while also working on building deeper friendships with some more recent Soul Sisters. One of my most encouraging friends in regards to my writing is my friend Kris.

Kris and I met about five years ago when our daughters were in girl scouts together. We spoke briefly in passing but remained just acquaintances for a few years. When our daughters started middle school, they became better friends and started spending more time together, which meant we saw each other more often also.  The first thing I truly loved about Kris was the way she spoke to and about my daughter. Our kids are our pride and joy, and when someone loves on them, it's hard not to like them! She made Skye feel special and loved, I could tell Skye enjoyed being around her.

Kris with our daughters at a dance competition

Our daughters started dance class together, so we would have coffee together while the girls were dancing. We really clicked, conversations were easy, without any uncomfortable silence. Kris is an amazing listener... she would ask questions and truly care about my answers. We very quickly opened up during our weekly chats and thought it would be nice to hang out more often. We chatted while walking around the lake, hung out with the girls at the beach, and then this past spring, she invited me to help out at an overnight birthday party for her daughter. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her.

Over the past year, she has become a great friend, someone that I trust, enjoy spending time with and can be myself with. I am blessed to call her my Soul Sister.

So, when she was telling me a story about how she met one of her best friends, I asked her if she would submit it as a blog entry.  So, here is our first ever, reader submitted Soul Sister story, written by my friend and soul sister, Kris Drew.

                                                  The Love at First Sight Friendship

 "Sometimes friends are by chance, sometimes friends are by circumstance and sometimes friends are by design... not ours but someone else's.  I believe God brings people in our lives for various reasons. I have one who has been in my life for 41 years, one my whole life (thank you Mom and Dad), one that was friend before becoming family and I couldn't imagine life without.  There are many stories about those three.  One was brought to me in another way.  In fact, it is going to sound corny but it was "love at first sight".

My husband and I had recently moved to our new home. We signed our middle child up for tumbling class, which we affectionately referred to as "flip and flop class".  I brought our sweet little 3 year old to class the first week.  The parents were supposed to sit quietly along the wall in the gym watching as our beloved children learned the art of the forward roll in the center of the room.  As I scanned the room, just casually looking at the other parents, my eyes focused on another mom in the room.  For some reason, I was strangely drawn to her.  The next week, I made a point to sit near her.
On a side note, my kids have said that it can be annoying how I will talk to anyone, anywhere for any reason.  I'm not sure who spoke to whom first but we started talking.  As the weeks went on, we noticed our girls were similar in behavior and we encouraged them to interact.  Both girls were incredibly shy so that was no easy feat.  Through our talks, we bonded slowly.  The first play date was arranged "for the girls".  The girls played well together but what we found between us moms, was something special.  We found in each other someone we could share time in person with at first, then phone conversations.  As the years have passed, our girls have drifted apart, still friendly, but not besties anymore.  Us moms, on the other hand, have found a friendship that is deeper and stronger than I could imagine. Ten years have passed. She is incredibly important to me and I don't want to imagine life without her. She is my confidante, seriously, we share EVERYTHING.  She is my comic relief. She is my support. She is so much more than another mom sitting across the gym. I am blessed that God brought her to me.  She is my "love at first sight" friend."



Note: If you would like to submit a soul sister story, email it to  angelik0718@gmail.com
Thank you 😃 Geli

Best Friends... They aren't just for kids!

I think so many women are put off by the "best friend" title. They think of it as a childish, immature title. Many think as an adult, " I have friends, I don't need to specify who's the best one", and I get that. I also hear, "my husband is my best friend", and I get that too, partially. My husband IS truly one of my best friends and is usually the one I am most excited to tell things to, and most often the first person I call and vent to, unless... I'm needing some support or advice that may be related to him, or something he may just not be capable of helping me through, like dealing with the effects of aging as a woman. (he just doesn't get it) but my girlfriends do... that's why they're the ones I call.

As far as the 'best friend' title, it's not necessary to have just ONE best friend and place all the others on a lower level. Quite the opposite actually... I have been blessed to have Jess in my life since childhood, she is my soul sister and my BFF. We are so close, we have become more like sisters actually and our lives and families have been enhanced with each other in them. We both welcome new girlfriends that the other brings around with open arms and acceptance. Because of the relationship we have, there is never any jealousy that we will be replaced. You can't replace a sister!!  Just because she is my lifetime BFF, it doesn't mean that we both can't have other best friends. It's not about just one, to me it's about the depth and closeness of the friendship.

We all have "friends" who aren't much more than friendly acquaintances, and some of us have good friends, but it may be missing that true heart connection, or still have some walls up. A best friend is someone you can be yourself with and they love you in spite of it. I have been speaking to women who have lost touch with the girlfriends from their youth, and the one question that I get asked over and over is..."Isn't it too late to develop a new best friend?" and my answer is always the same, NO!! It's never too late to make new friends, and over time, as those new friendships become seasoned, you may develop a best friend. We all remember the childhood song,

Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.

I believe the message behind the song is not that your newer friends aren't ever going to be as important, instead it's a reminder not to forget those who have been by our side when we meet a new friend that we click with. In school it's so common to see girls who are BFF's with one girl for a few months, then meet another that they click with and "dump" the first friend for a new BFF. That can lead to fear of being ones self around friends or such a fear of rejection that they don't reach out at all. Unfortunately, it's a lesson we must all learn the hard way.

So whether you are young or more 'seasoned', keep your eyes open, and more than that, your heart open. You never know when or where you may meet your new friend, that may, if there's a 'soul connection' become a best friend.

This is dedicated to all my best friends, you know who you are. I love you.

Until next time, be blessed:) Geli

A little girls first best friend...

There was definitely a large age gap between us, yet that never seemed to matter to either of us. My earliest memories of her were when I was about 5 years old. We spent so much time together, it seemed we were inseparable. I could always be myself around her. I always felt safe, never judged, and definitely loved.

She was more than 50 years older than me, but she didn't act it. She never acted like I was too childish to spend time with, I think she actually enjoyed being able to play with me. I remember staying with her when I was about 5-6 years old, she treated me like I was older than I really was... She gave me credit that others didn't. She let me help her with the chores and actually acted like I was needed, I felt so special. She would let me stay up late and listen to the radio show that was on, past my bedtime, called "The Squeaking Door". I would get scared sometimes, but she'd let me cuddle up to her and I knew I was safe.

As I got older, we spent less time together...still, a week here and there. She never held it against me that I didn't come around more often. She would always let me cook with her, watch her shows with her, and we'd play games for hours. She never seemed too busy to give me her undivided attention. She would make me the dinner that I chose, with a treat and a book before bed.

When I became a teenager, she never seemed to judge me, even when everyone else did. She always seemed to find the best in me, even when I couldn't. She seemed proud of my accomplishments, yet never disappointed in my failures.

As an adult with kids of my own, she always seemed sincerely happy to hear from me. I would visit her and confide in her often. We would drink tea and I would ramble on about my life and she would listen intently. Every now and then, she told me stories of her youth, but most of the time she would ask me about my life.

Looking back I have come to realize that the reason my Grandma was such an important part of my life, is that she allowed me to be me, and loved me anyway. Unlike parents, who feel that they have to teach you a lesson in everything, and always remind you right from wrong, my Grandma was more of a friend. She spent time learning who I was, allowing me to be silly, and even sometimes naughty, without passing judgment.

My Grandma taught me many things, but here's what she taught me about friendship


1-We have two ears and one mouth for a reason, people know that you care about them when you listen more than you talk.

2- Find out what someone likes to eat and make it for them and then share it with them:)

3- Spend time interacting. Play games, laugh, talk. spend quality time enjoying each others company.

4- Care about what they care about. Ask them questions about what they are passionate about, then truly listen.

5-When someone has a bad day, allow them to vent. Then spend time with them doing something that takes their mind off what was bothering them.

6- Always seem happy to hear from your friends, they can hear it in your voice, so make the effort to smile, even if you don't feel like it.

7- Life gets busy. Don't give a friend a guilt trip because they haven't prioritized you the way you feel they ought to. Remind them by your actions why they love hanging out with you, so they want to more often.

8- Be silly together without fear of being judged, don't always act your age. Have fun!

9- Always find a reason to give a complement, but make it sincere.

10 -Relax, have a cup of tea and remember, when you get to a certain age, you can cheat when you play games and no one will hold it against you:) especially not your friends...

Thanks to both of my Grandma's for teaching about friendship
~ Geli

Soul Sisters: Naked and Vulnerable

                          Well, that got your attention, now didn't it?

Note: NONE of the posted pics are of us or anyone we know, they were found online

 I have been excited to write this since I decided to start blogging, and just wasn't sure how to go about it. Worried that some would read it and decide, "yep, I knew she was crazy" or others may worry that since they would never do something as crazy as skinny dipping that I am implying they won't ever have a real best friend... neither are true. I have found that "skinny-dipping", more recently coined as "chunky-dunking" is a great metaphor for vulnerability in friendships. 

Obviously, being naked is the most physically vulnerable situation we can be in...because, well... we are EXPOSED. For many people that is terrifying. I have had many a nightmare, even in the recent weeks that I was back in high school, standing at my locker, usually half naked, freaking out, yet wondering why more people are not noticing.

The meaning of this, according to a Dream Dictionary is: "To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged. or...
To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up signifies your vulnerability to a situation."

Hmmm, sounds about right, doesn't it?

As I think of my closest friendships, the ones that I can fully be myself with are those friends that have seen me at my most vulnerable or vice versa. Jess and I have been present in the room during the births of each others children. That is very vulnerable... How about being with a friend who's grieving the death of a loved one, or the loss of a marriage, they are very vulnerable. I would have to say, looking back, by sharing those moments together and getting through those situations that seem unbearable, on the other side is a stronger friendship.

Some people are so terrified of being exposed that they never allow others to see them during their dark moments. They feel that they won't be loved or accepted for who they really are, so they always hold something back in relationships. They always remain superficial. Because of that, not only can they not accept true friendship, they are also unable to be a true friend.  

My answer... you got it!! Skinny-Dipping!

I grew up going to a cabin deep in the woods, on a small, very private lake.  As a kid it was very common while at the cabin, on a hot summer day, to grab the shampoo and a bar of Ivory soap and swim out to the floating raft and take a bath. Now, to clarify, I was with my parents, and we all wore swim suits while bathing. You just wash under... you get the idea.

Then, as an older and slightly more free-spirited teenager, I would take friends to the cabin for the weekend and many hot summer days would be out on the raft sun tanning with the girls. One of these days, while washing up and jumping off the raft and swimming around, Jess and I got the crazy idea to toss our swimsuits on the raft while swimming around. Who would know, right!  Holy cow was that freeing!! It's an experience like none other. I know you are thinking, yeah, I have taken a bath before, how different can it be? Well... were you able to swim around in the bath, in water twelve feet deep, naked as the fish with only them and the birds to judge you? You are exposed, to yourself and to the elements. You feel one with nature... peaceful, yet exhilarating. It was so much fun!!

Needless to say, that wasn't the last time we went skinny-dipping. It was always just us girls and many times we would talk about feeling sad for those who have never had the opportunity to experience it. Especially at dusk, when the lake is smooth as glass and the water feels warmer than the air...on a summers eve. (no pun intended)

Well, one day while at the cabin, we announced we were going to the lake for a bath, our oldest daughters asked if they could come too. We agreed, and they came out with us. After jumping in the water they asked if they could wear "just" their life jackets... they've been skinny dipping ever since. They are both now in their 20's and have said how it's helped them be comfortable with their own bodies. My oldest daughter has said that she believes it has really helped her to have a more positive body image. My youngest daughter now comes with us (always no boys allowed) and she has shared with me how she loves the experience. 

We are not critical of each others bodies, we are not there to judge, unlike the girls locker room in high school. We are just enjoying the feeling of the sun on our bodies and the water as we swim. It's vulnerable yes, but when you trust those your with, it's freeing... it's peaceful. You are not trying to be anything or anyone other than who you are with the people who will love you anyway.

For those of you who don't have the benefit of a private lake in the woods, don't think I am encouraging you to strip down at the neighborhood pool, but maybe walk around naked when no one is home for a start. Get comfortable in your own skin, appreciate and love your body, no matter the shape or size. It may help you in more ways than you can imagine.
 
As for your friendships, these ladies hang around you for a reason, they like you... they connect with you, share with them who you really are. Sometimes that means they may catch you when you're a bit gassy... or when you have yelled at your kids to harshly. So be it, we are all human, and not one of us women is perfect.  When you notice that your friends may have faults, give them grace, who knows... as surprising as it may be, you may find that they will give you grace too, when you open up, share your self and be vulnerable, even if you don't choose to get naked. :)

Thanks and be blessed, Geli

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soul Sisters: Through Heartache and Happiness

Shawn, Niki, Geli, Deb and Jess ~August 2013




It’s obvious to me that Shawn and I were meant to be “Soul Sisters”.  I honestly believe we were destined to be friends.



About 16 years ago, I showed up to volunteer at my step-daughter, Niki’s school. On the same day each week, I would go to her second grade class during reading time and read to her class. As I walked into the classroom on my designated reading day, I quickly realized someone had beat me to it. I was slightly irritated that I was there at “my” designated time and there was another parent in my place.

 

Niki and Tori with their girl scout troop

I stayed until reading time was over and I happened to be leaving at the same time the other mom was.  As we were walking out I introduced myself to her. Her name was Shawn and I realized she was a step-mom too.  Her daughter and Niki were friends…as a matter of fact, her daughter, Tori, was in Girl Scouts with Niki and I was a co-leader of the troop so I knew Tori well.



As we were talking, we immediately realized we had a LOT in common; our husbands were both named Chris and worked in the construction industry, we both had older sons and had step-daughters we loved dearly and were very involved in their lives. We must’ve stood in the school lobby and talked for close to thirty minutes prior to exchanging phone numbers.



The funny thing with making new friends is that it’s kind of like dating… I really liked her and was excited to call her but I didn’t want to seem too desperate so I waited a day before I called her.  Calling her was like calling an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. She seemed happy to hear from me and we easily spent an hour on the phone. Knowing Shawn the way I do now, that wouldn’t surprise me, because that’s just how she is….at the time though, it seemed odd that it was so easy.



We set a time to meet for lunch about a week or so later, just the two of us, and her new baby boy, Noah. We met at Applebee’s, and I got to see how much of a picky eater and how specific she was with ordering her food to her liking… she made me laugh… One of the things I truly love about Shawn, is that she is real, so real. She is who she is no matter who is around. I would like to believe I am the same way. Some people don’t like that… I fully believe some people spend so long trying to be what they think others want them to be, that they just lose themselves, they don’t even know who they really are anymore. That is definitely not Shawn, she is true to herself, and I love that about her!! We sat and ate our lunch and got deep into conversation, about everything and nothing.

David, Coty, Tori, Skye, Levi and Noah (all our kids minus Niki)

 Shawn and I quickly became close friends. It was natural for our families to become friends also. Our boys Coty and David were close in age and enjoyed playing together, and since Niki and Tori were already friends, it was easy. I could tell immediately that we would be lifetime friends, so it just made sense to introduce her to some of my other lifetime friends, including my soul sister and BFF, Jess.  They got along well, as I knew they would.




Skye and Noah

We opened up to one another, we shared memories, complaints and secrets. She taught me how to be a better wife and mother, by her words of advice and more importantly, by example. I taught her that salad consisted of more than just iceberg lettuce and that it’s okay to put veggies on sandwiches.


We actually worked together for a while. My company was hiring and I was doing the training of the new associates. We had so much fun working together. We invited each other to our kid’s birthdays and got to know each other’s extended families. I talked to my longtime friends and it was approved that Shawn and her family were welcome to attend our annual friend Christmas party. 

We became even closer through the pregnancies with our babies. Skylar was born in 1999 and Levi about 10 months later. Since I had experience assisting with labor and delivery with other friends, she had asked me if I would be there for her. I was blessed to be the first to hold Levi, other than his parents and the medical staff, even though it ended up that I wasn’t needed. I believe he was born within 15 minutes of her arrival at the hospital.

Levi and Skye

We weren’t necessarily neighbors but both lived in a twin cities suburb, so although I knew they were looking to sell their house and move, I didn’t realize it was going to be so far away.  About five years into our friendship, they found their dream home for a fair price... unfortunately, it was about an hour away. I was sad that she wasn’t as close and it wasn’t as convenient for us to spend time together.


We still talked regularly and continued to live life together. About three years after they moved, we did also. We moved six miles from her new home, which happened to be less than a mile from my step-mom and ten miles from Jessica’s new home. We began spending a lot more time together again. Our older kids were teenagers and still friends, yet more like extended family. Our younger kids grew up like cousins, and still spend a lot of time together. Shawn is one of my emergency contacts for Skye and Skye feels completely at home at their house.



In July of 2007, everything changed…for both of our families. Shawn and her family had planned a family trip to Niagra Falls. Their two older kids were 16 & 17 and both had summer jobs and commitments they couldn’t get out of. After long discussions, they, as a family, all agreed that the older kids would stay behind to fulfill their obligations. They paid a college kid that they knew from church to stay and keep an eye on the house, the animals and the “big kids”. My husband Chris and I were only minutes away and were available as “back-up” parents in case they needed anything.



All was going well, Chris and I stopped over to check on David and a friend one night, and peeked in on a Friday night to find them just hanging out alone talking. We were so impressed with how responsible and just all around good kids David and Tori were. Another day, Tori stopped over to have me help her with some paperwork for her new job and hung out for a while. Shawn has always been such a big help, we were happy to be back-ups in case the kids needed anything.



One night while on an appointment for work I received a call from Shawn and missed the call. Upon leaving my appointment, I called her back and was surprised when her husband answered her phone, I knew immediately something was wrong.  He informed me that there had been an accident and Tori didn’t make it. He said “we lost Tori…” I was shocked, in utter disbelief and speechless.  



I knew David was home alone, so I headed straight there.  There has been nothing in my life as surreal as the next few days after the accident. Next to losing a child of my own, I can’t imagine anything worse than watching a best friend or close family member lose a child. When I arrived at their home, Shawn’s mom was already there with a handful of neighbors and some of the kids friends.



People began showing up to show their support and to bring food. We were all hugging, crying, and just being silent together.  When Shawn, Chris and the boys got home, the reality of why we were all there was a smack in the face.  As a friend, I felt so powerless, and useless, and at a loss for words. I knew the only thing I could do was be present.



The next week was a blur. I felt so distant from Shawn because she was so lost. I felt as if I didn’t even know who she was during that week. There were moments I wondered if she even knew I was there or if we would ever be the way we were again. Still I stayed; cleaned, cooked, helped make the poster boards, attended the wake and funeral, and just grieved….for the loss of Tori, for my friend’s loss of a daughter, the boys’ loss of their sister, and my children’s loss of a friend.  I was filled with sadness that what brought us together, the friendship of our step-daughters, the connection we had as involved step-mothers, we had no more.  It would never be the same again.



After a week or so, we met for coffee, it hurt to even look her in the eyes. My heart broke for her. Throughout the next year, I would go sit with her a couple days a week just to help to keep her focus on something other than her grief. She had a hard time working at that time and she worked from home. She would say, if I would go there and work from her house that she’d get more work done. As far as I was concerned, we talked mostly and worked a little. Still, it seemed to help her, and that’s what mattered.



I was her sounding board when friends and acquaintances would divert their eyes when they saw her, or talk to her like nothing had happened. All she wanted was for people to talk about Tori, ask her how she was doing, and acknowledge her loss instead of ignoring it.



The real connection that Shawn and I always had was the unconditional love we have for our step-daughters. Many step-parents don’t love their step-kids as their own, yet we both do. That bound us.  Now, as Niki is grown, six years after Tori’s accident, we’ve been through high school graduation, moving to her own place, having a baby and now planning her wedding. Not only is Niki sad that Tori isn’t here for it all, I am sad that Shawn and I aren’t experiencing these life events together with both of our daughters.                  Beautiful Tori



I still struggle venting to Shawn about blended family issues, because I know she’d pay anything to be able to still deal with these issues…yet she, more than anyone was my confidante about those issues. I still vent sometimes, and she still gives me some amazing advice.  Honestly, I am just more guarded about those conversations in protection of her feelings.



I know she’s truly happy for Niki and I at the happy occasions, but I am sure the “what if’s…” still cross her mind regularly. I hurt for her, because she is one of my best friends and I wish there was a way to turn back time and change the outcome.

 

More recently, I have had some family drama going on this past year; some struggles with my own children and needing, every now and then, some validation that I’m not going crazy amidst it all. Shawn is never judging, yet speaks the truth to me. She lets me cry and then comes up with a way to help, every time. I can’t imagine life without her.



Tori and Niki brought us together and I will always be thankful for that. I know our friendship was definitely due to some divine intervention. I thank God for that. We have been through so much together and I am so blessed and so thankful for my amazing Soul Sister in Shawn.                                            

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                                                                                           In loving memory of Tori 5/15/90 ~ 7/3/2007