Grieving the loss of a friendship

 
Grief is something that so many people are uncomfortable dealing with. Many of us struggle with how to support someone who is grieving; we may push the grieving person in our life to get through it and get over it. It's hard to see those we love sad, depressed, hopeless and miserable. We want them to move through it, so they can be the person we know and love. Yet, the truth is, if we are human, we WILL experience grief at some point in our lives, and there are no guidelines or rules to how long that process may last. 

Grief - deep or intense sorrow or distress, could be due to any major loss, from our health, career, a body part or a person in our life. We are most likely to associate grief with the loss of a loved one, in relation to death, yet that is only one type of relational loss.

We know that our country is filled with people who have been through a divorce, or two. There are couples who claim to have just “fallen out of love”, which I have my own views about. There are also many who have been victims of affairs, addiction, mental health issues, or abuse.  There are divorce care groups in every major city in the US.  Yet, many people don't have compassion as they should when dealing with a friend, family member or coworker grieving this type of loss.  The loss of a long term relationship, with an individual who was once your life partner, lover, co-parent and best friend... the grief from this loss is real. 

 

We must also recognize grief stemming from the loss of a long term friendship. When you spend years with someone in your life, creating memories, experiencing good times and bad times, getting to know their families and then they are gone from your life, it’s hard. The good memories no longer are happy because they remind you of the person missing from your life. Seeing them or even their family or mutual friends becomes uncomfortable because it reminds you of what no longer is. 

Now, I have had many friendships in my life that have slowly petered out. I have had friends from high school that I was close with at one point, then our lives began heading in different directions, so we quit spending as much time together. Now when I run into them or connect with them on social media, we’re still cordial. We have fond memories but not much else in common.  Because it was a slow process, it was not a huge loss. 

When people become friends based on a similar interests, like soccer moms spending time together at games or practices, the friendship may fizzle upon the end of the season, or with coworkers who work near each other and take lunch breaks together, their friendship may fizzle upon one getting new employment. Neither example did the friendship become so strong that it was a priority for both parties to continue. In turn, the loss of the friendship is not severe so it doesn’t lead to grieving. 

What about the friendship that started in junior high, and remained strong throughout two decades until one person became a drug addict and was no longer capable of being a friend, or the friendship that ended after many years due to a controlling spouse not “allowing” them to spend time with their friend, out of pure insecurity. The people in those situations may experience such loss that they will grieve the loss of the friendship. 

Recently, my sixteen year old daughter received a text from her best friend saying that she needed a break from her. Her BFF of four years told her that she didn’t feel that their friendship was equal. She felt that their priorities weren’t in alignment. My daughter was shocked and sad. They had spent holidays together, and three years in dance together. They traveled together, they knew the others extended families and called the others parents mom and dad.  The girls were inseparable, for years. They talked daily, they went to prom together with their boyfriends, and they shopped for each other because they knew what the other loved. When they would go a few days without seeing each other, they would run and hug like it had been a year since they last saw each other. They shared everything, from food to clothes to a bed during their many sleepovers.  With teenage girls, so much of life revolves around their strong friendships.  So much of their identity is associated with who their friends are. 

My daughter was upset, hurt and confused when she received the messages. It didn’t make sense to her. While processing this news, she did realize that over the years they had omitted some of the other girls from their inner circle and began spending much of their time together, one on one.  She didn’t feel that this was just her choosing, but tried to understand her friend’s perspective. She agreed to take a break and give her friend some space. A week or so later she asked her BFF to meet up to talk. She wanted to get everything straight and be able to move forward with their friendship and work the issues out. She was willing to make the changes needed so they could continue their friendship. 

Unfortunately, for reasons we will probably never know, it didn’t matter. When the girls met face to face, things seemed a bit better, and my daughter felt that there was hope. Yet, the next time they saw each other, her friend acted as if they never had a connection. Shortly after their meeting, her friend hosted a party and my daughter found out through social media and mutual friends after the fact.  Most recently she ran into the family and none of them acknowledged her at all. The reality of the end of the friendship hit her hard. She became grief stricken, all at once everything that they had been and everything she had lost overwhelmed her. She felt the waves of emotions. She was hit with shock, anger, sadness, rejection and loneliness. 

As a mother, it is hard for me to watch my daughter hurting. I wish there was something I could’ve done to prevent this from happening. Another part of me strongly believes that every friendship we experience is for a reason, that there is a lesson for us to learn whether the friendship lasts a lifetime, or ends sooner than we wish it would. 

If I could have known that this was going to happen, would I have still encouraged the friendship in the first place? Yes!! Absolutely! My hope is that she is able to hold on to the fond memories and realize what made this friendship so strong at its best and also what ended it. I also wish for her that this doesn’t harden her heart and she stays open to new friendships that may be stronger than this one ever was. I hope she allows herself to be aware and a bit vulnerable so she is able to truly connect with other girls that cross her path. We never know when we will find our next soul sister.

As Garth Brooks quoted in his song Standing Outside the Fire “Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you’re standing outside the fire” I am encouraging my daughter, as well as myself and those of you reading; don't allow the hurt and the scars on your heart from preventing you the possibility of meeting your next BFF. Jump in with both feet and allow yourself to build deep lasting friendships. Over time, the hurt from the loss of this one will diminish, and you will be left with memories. It's okay to smile when those memories pop in your head, and be grateful that they are a part of who you are today. 

Until next time, be blessed. Geli