Friendship for a reason, a season, a lifetime…

 

 

Carri and I in Daytona 1992

Friendship for a reason…

                    Friendship for a season…

         Friendship for a lifetime.

 

You never know which one a friendship will be, so treat all your friends as if they are “lifetime” friends and allow them to make the decision if they will be or not.

 

I met my friend Carri while beginning my 11^th grade school year.  We sat at the same table in class at a high school for pregnant teens. Once we started talking we realized we had a lot in common, especially music. We became friends quickly. I was expecting my first child, due in December of 1989, she was due five months later. She seemed cool…little did I know, our friendship would change my life indefinitely…and not in any way I EVER could have imagined.

Carri and I visited each other after our kids were born and hung out after school together with our new babies.  After having our kids, we attended the same high school while our kids were in daycare together.  We spent a lot of time together, alone (with our little ones), and sometimes on the weekends with a group of friends and we always had fun!! Jessica (my lifetime BFF) and Carri met through me and also quickly became friends, along with Jen, Kismet, Laura and Britt.



Geli (Coty), Jess (Courtney) and Carri (Niki) 12/1991

Jess, Carri and I became very close, we even bought a best friends necklace that had three pieces and three separate chains. We were inseparable! For a season, that is… One night we all went out, we had sitters for the kiddos and decided to hang out with Carri’s boyfriend at his house with some of their other friends. I met her boyfriend, Chris, he seemed nice and all, but I obviously wasn’t interested in him. I had my own boyfriend, my sons’ father, and this was Carri’s boyfriend. I didn’t think he was bad looking or anything, really…I just didn’t give him too much thought at all.



Carri, Jess and I all graduated from the same alternative highschool. Jess and I even presented Carri her diploma and did a small speech. When we were 18 and 19, we went to Daytona Beach for a week on spring break, just Carri and I…lots of fun, lots of memories, a lot of experiences!



After graduation, Carri began working at a retail store while living with Chris and their daughter Nicole. Jessica and I were both in college, and focusing on our own lives. The three of us were starting to spend less time together.  When we did spend time together, we enjoyed ourselves, but you could feel the distance creeping in.

Coty and Niki 1991

On a few occasions I picked Carri’s daughter Nicole up and brought her to my house to play with my son Coty for the night while she worked or went out. That’s what friends do though, right…?

Carri began working more on the weekends and hanging out more with coworkers and we began spending less and less time together. In the meantime, Jess had also had her daughter Courtney and we were all spending more time with our boyfriends.



Time passed, and in early 1993, things weren’t working well with my sons’ father and I and we split up. Carri and Chris split up shortly after. Carri began dating the man who ended up becoming her first husband. Shortly thereafter I began dating someone new also. Jess and I were spending more time with another group of girls while Carri was spending a lot of time with some of her newer friends and her new boyfriend. We still talked now and then, just less frequently.



On July 17^th, 1993, Carri invited me to go to a party with her and a group of friends. We had sitters for the night and got to go out and act our age! We went together and her boyfriend was meeting her there later that evening. While at the party, I ran into Jess and her boyfriend, Tony. Tony happened to work with Chris, Carri’s ex-boyfriend, and they were friends. We were all talking, Jess, Tony, Chris and myself. I got the feeling that Chris was kind of into me… Jess and Tony were saying “You should date Chris, he’s a really great guy.” I remember saying “NO WAY!! Carri would KILL me!!” We all continued talking and I realized he really did seem like a nice guy, and from what I’d seen and heard, a great dad to Nicole. Then I noticed…”hmmm, he’s actually really good looking and quite a gentleman.”

Carri’s boyfriend arrived and they were somewhere talking. Chris and I became deeply engrossed in conversation. Quickly, we became truly lost in our conversation. We literally talked…all night! We sat in his car, listened to music and talked, about nothing and everything. The more time we spent together, the more I realized how cute he really was. Chris asked, “What do you think Carri would do if she saw us talking like this?” I said, “She’d hate it and be really mad at me.” (She told me once, “just because I don’t want to be with him, doesn’t mean I want someone else to. I will always love him, I’m just not IN LOVE with him…”)

 I did understand, and knew how she felt, yet at that moment, that very first night, I truly listened to Chris, truly saw Chris, and I knew I would have a big decision to make. I can’t completely explain it. I had never felt exactly this way before. Chris offered to drive me home that night. He was a true gentleman. He lent me his sweatshirt because I was cold, and dropped me off at home.

I couldn’t get him off of my mind…so a few days later I called him to remind him I still had his sweatshirt. If I remember correctly, he must’ve needed it badly because he asked if he could come over the next day to get it. He brought Niki to visit with Coty and we chatted for a bit while the kids played. I was so impressed at how he dealt with Nicole and how natural he was with my son, Coty. I melted as I watched him interact with them both. That night before they left, he asked me on our first date, I quickly obliged.



 Carri, Geli and Jess 1992

Our date was easy. Chris was funny, sweet, cute and a total gentleman. I knew after our first date, that he was the one, no question about it. So, I knew I had to do it, I called Carri and asked if I could come over and talk to her. I knew she had some suspicions, I figured she’d heard from Niki that we had spent some time together. When I went to her home, she said, “well, whats more important to you, you choose…” Chris and I had discussed it and both figured it would be a ‘him or me’ thing, which I don’t blame her for, it would be difficult for anyone. It was a very difficult thing to do. I naturally am a very loyal and loving friend. I just can’t explain it, I knew I was meant to be with Chris. Carri asked “so, what are you choosing?” I responded,” I feel that our relationship is dwindling as it is, and with Chris, I just believe that we have the opportunity for a real future together.”

That was it, our friendship was over. I knew then that I had made the right choice even though it broke my heart to have to decide to let go of that friendship for good. I knew my future was with Chris.

As with many split parents Carri and Chris had a shared visitation schedule at the time. Chris had Niki at that time every other week, and since we spent a lot of time together, Niki and Coty got close very quickly. They are only five months apart and were both three. I was amazed at what an amazing father Chris was with Niki. Now, remember, the kids had known each other since birth, so it was very natural that they quickly became best friends.

The hardest thing for me was to not ‘mother’ Niki when she was with us. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries, but it was so hard because I already loved her. I have also known her since birth, and since I was mothering Coty, it just came so easy.

Chris and I dated for about four months when we decided it logically made sense for us to move in together.

 #1 – we hated being apart

#2 - it would make sense financially

 #3- we already felt like a family.

We quickly and easily fell into co-parenting roles and agreed about 90% of the time on how to do things. We trusted each other fully. We melded into a family unit. It just seemed right.

Well, throughout the twenty-plus years Chris and I have been together, Carri has tried to be okay with me, disliked me, appreciated me, resented me, and maybe a time or two, actually liked me. The emotions have been reciprocated at one time or another I’m sure. I won’t bore you with all the co-parenting disagreements we have had, though it’s not been all bad. Until Niki turned 18 though, it was more difficult than not.

I have been completely blessed with an amazing step-daughter. I adore Nicole, she’s always been so easy to get along with. She was such an easy going kid, always seemed older than she was and to understand beyond her years. She is one of the most appreciative people I know, and so helpful, and compassionate, protective, adaptable, caring and loving. Niki and I have had, for the most part, a pretty close relationship. She always left some part of her protected from me though, from the very beginning. She idolized Carri, was protective of her, and held back with me in fear of betraying her mom.

It has always been a battle for me, an internal struggle, because I have, since the very beginning loved Niki as my own. I know it’s not as ‘heard of’ with step parents, yet no one seems to question if an adoptive mother loves her child as much as a birth mother. The love is slightly different, but not more or less than, for me anyway. I love all my kids to the end of the earth and would walk through fire for all three of them. Even though Niki has another mother who also loves her more than life itself, it doesn’t make my love any less.

She is a blessed young lady, because she has the love of two women who both love her fully and unconditionally. As Nicole has grown into a young woman, and brought her sweet son Dominic into all our lives, our relationship has changed, it’s grown. It finally feels as if she has dropped her walls down. We are friends, we have a mother/daughter relationship, but it’s even more than that, we are very good friends. As a matter of fact I would say she is one of my best friends. I am blessed to call her my daughter, my stepdaughter to be specific, and also so very blessed to call her my friend.

So back to the beginning, we have friends for a reason, for a season, and for a lifetime.

I definitely believe God brought Carri and me into each other’s lives for a season, but also for a very specific reason. To give me the life I have today. If it wasn’t for my friendship that I had with Carri, I wouldn’t have ever met my husband Chris; who is also my very best friend and confidante and an amazing dad to all three of our kids. I wouldn’t have been blessed with our youngest daughter Skye, nor would I have had the opportunity to have a hand in raising Niki and build the ‘lifetime’ friendship that every mother and daughter would be blessed to have.

Note* Yes, things were very difficult while we were co-parenting Niki as a minor, regarding visitation, custody issues, support issues, etc., I must add though, Carri and I have become a great team. We planned and hosted Niki’s grad party together, we were co-coaches while Niki was in labor/delivery with our grandson, Dominic and we are now assisting in her wedding planning. We both have our gifts, talents and imperfections, but every mother does, right? I believe that Niki has been blessed by learning from us both. We both have impacted who she is, just not both genetically.

at the wedding fair, Carri, Niki and Geli

Soul Sisters; Embracing our Divine Friendships

  
I truly believe those of us who have a handful of close girlfriends are among some of the luckiest people on earth, along with those of us who have a best friend in a spouse, parent or child. These close relationships are what life is about. Without relationships, who are we really?

 When we leave earth, we are remembered not by how financially wealthy we were, how educated we were, how dedicated of an employee we were... but more often, how we made others feel when we came in contact with them. Life is about relationships.

 

How would your closest friends describe you, would they remember you for your status in society or by the depth of their relationship with you? I have often asked myself that exact question and what I have come to realize is that I know, even though I have made many MANY mistakes, I believe that my friends know I would be there for them... rain, sleet or shine, no matter what they need. Throughout my life my close friends have always been a priority, because I love them and want them to know they are loved and valued.

 

I have been blessed by many friendships, but honestly, the ones that stick out the most, aren't the ones who were there to just enjoy life with, but the ones that were there in my weakest moments, there for me when I was in utter despair and chose to drag me out of it. Those are the friendships that you take with you to the grave and I believe will go on long after that. Those are the relationships that started off as friends but ended up, somehow more like family.  They are your soul sisters.

 

I have spoken with many women who say that they don't have many female friendships, and that after high school or college, they just focused on what they believe mattered most...usually a love relationship, boyfriend, husband etc. Then once they started their family, it was just natural to focus on their children. In no way do I disagree that our husbands and children and even extended family is important. I just know after talking with so many women, that most of them, at some point regret losing touch with girlfriends.

 

I would encourage those of you reading that have let once valuable friendships fall to the wayside to attempt to reconnect, and if necessary repair that friendship. Sometimes all that is needed is to pick up the phone, call them, and say "I have been thinking about you and I am sorry it's been so long since we have talked."

 

Also, it's important that we listen to our gut, when an old friend pops into your head, send them an email, a Facebook message, or better yet...give them a call. Sometimes that is all it takes to rebuild an old friendship.

 

I was recently struggling while dealing with a personal family crisis when my husband mentioned to me that he had run into one of my old friends, and she had mentioned to him that her family was going through a very similar crisis. He did not tell her what we were experiencing, but I immediately knew I had to call her. The fact that it had been over four years since we had seen each other didn't matter to me. We hadn't ended on bad terms at all...we used to live near each other, and about seven years ago we had moved about an hour away. We were both engrossed in our own lives, and just lost touch.

I called her and I could tell she was happy to hear from me. I told her I am sorry to hear about what she is going through and that we are experiencing a similar situation. We decided to meet up later that week for dinner. When we sat down and started talking, amazingly, there was no uncomfortable silence... we just fell right back into where we left off four years ago.

A good friend explained to me recently while we were discussing friendships, that there are some friendships, like good movies, that you can just put on pause and when you push play again, it seems as if no time had lapsed at all. This was one of those friendships.

 We talked for a couple hours the first night and then on the phone a couple times throughout the next couple weeks. We met up again, and this time brought our daughters with, who also used to be good friends and hadn't seen each other in years. As we were talking over dinner we both agreed that we believe it was Divine intervention that brought us together. She said after she got off of the phone with me that first night, she told her daughter that she knew this was a "God-thing". I definitely agree with her!

 There are certain times in life when we are dealing with one issue or another that we may not feel like anyone else fully understands, or gets it... even at times our closest friends. That's the time to keep your radar on. So when you run into an old friend at a store or connect with a possible new friend, I encourage you to take the time to recognize the moment and run with it. You never know how it may turn out.  I fully believe there is no such thing as coincidence, I believe those are the Divine moments, and when we are open to it, beautiful things can happen.
 

I am so thankful that I reconnected with this friend, I am thankful that she understands what I am going through and doesn't judge me. I am also thankful that I can be there for her, to listen and support her.

Until next time ~Geli

Soul Sisters : Movies, Girlfriends and Sex in the City

There are so many movies that depict the depth of female friendships. Where to start, well, how about a topic that women love to discuss…sex!! Who doesn’t love watching Sex in the City?! When I was “courting” a fairly new female friendship, we decided to hang out at my home one night, allow the kids to play in the other room (husbands were out of town) and watch Sex in the City together. It was perfect! Because with any new relationship, even female friendships, there can be moments of awkward silence, so this made a perfect “first date” and we had laughs together, and chatted while we watched.



Sex in the City

 

When you may be missing an old crazy friend, a night with Thelma and Louise and their courageous, naughty antics will bring back memories of youth with young daring and crazy girlfriends.  Those are stories for another time…

Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes are those family/friend movies to watch that will make you laugh, cry and bond with your own mother, sister, daughter or BFF.  They are the never go out of style movies,  that are filled with so much that is literally... way, out of style, yet the meaning and depth of the relationships are endless and beautiful.

Stepmom… is one of those movies that if you are ever in the mood to just ball your eyes out for no reason, and you would rather have a reason, it’s a ‘must see’.  One of my all-time fave chick flicks.  I believe, as a step-mom and a biological mom, one of the most real stories, of jealousy, envy, courage and empathy that you will ever see.

The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants movies are lighthearted movies about friendship that young adults can really connect to. An honest depiction of friendship, the ups and downs, the excitement and disappointments that come along with real life.

Beaches and Now and Then are both movies about lifetime friends. The joys and sorrows of friendships for life. How so many people will come and go in your life, but your girlfriends, true lifetime girlfriends, will stand the test of time… and also withstand kids, marriages, divorces and crazy families.

What about the younger generation that hasn’t yet experienced life’s major dilemmas? We know that girl drama starts way before adulthood, and when your in high school, it seems like nothing could ever be worse!   Mean Girls depicts the nastiness of high school drama with a slice of humor and revenge. It's a must see for teen girls and their mom's. We have to know what to expect, in case we have so quickly forgotten.  Legally Blond is a lighthearted yet ageless comedy for girls entering the college years. Our heroine learns quickly what happens when her boyfriend goes away to college, and doesn't expect her to follow.  She makes some unexpected, yet valuable friends and realizes what's important in life and what's not. It has a sweet, quirky, moral to the story....and don't ever forget,

 Bend and snap!

As I said earlier, going to movies, or renting movies at home are not always the most bonding experiences you will have with your BFF’s, nor the most memorable… and for friendships that are old and comfortable, it’ll give you something to pay attention to every now and then, like background noise while you are nonstop talking about nothing and everything… but for newer friendships, that may be in the earlier stages, it relieves the pressure of always having to say something. Sometimes learning to be friends is just getting used to each others company, and learning to just spend time together. 

So, I hope you find one of these movies about friendship meets your needs. Whether it’s a night in alone to reminisce and have a good cry... or time spent bonding with an old friend or reaching out to a new one, enjoy the movies, and your friends. Be blessed.

Angelika "Geli" Ulku

Soul Sisters; Not by blood, marriage or choice, instead by destiny, God's will and grace

 

Well, this is a new venture, yet one I couldn’t be more excited about!!

Tweedledee & Tweedledum

It all started about 25 years ago, while in junior high I met Jess, my lifetime best friend.

 Now, here’s where I am supposed to tell you the amazing encounter of how we met and how I knew we’d be friends forever… that I can’t do, unless I made up a cheesy story, which I am not very good at. What I am fairly good at is the truth, so here goes.

Jess and I hung out with some of the same friends, specifically some of the same boys. While doing who knows what after school one day, Jess said ‘you should come over to my house” I said, “alright”.  That was the start…

I was in 9^th grade, and Jess, who’s 15 months younger than me, was in 8^th grade. She hung out with an older boy who lived down the street from her, and one day introduced me to him. He asked me out and we began dating. He also hung out with the guy she was dating which meant we began to spend a lot of time together. A few months later, we got into our first real and only big fight. She was mad at me for well, messing around with her boyfriend (only time ever) and she claimed she was going to beat me up. We didn’t talk for about a month, but then when we did, I am sure I apologized, and we made up and regained our friendship. In case you are wondering… no, she didn’t follow through on beating me up. By the way Jess, I do still feel awful about that whole escapade with Eric, ugh…I am still sorry! (So, we didn’t physically fight that time, but I can tell you that many times after that, when we did, never in anger of course, I ALWAYS had the upper hand!!, more stories to come)

With our other Soul Sisters.

One of the things that sticks out about our friendship when I look back is that we have had A LOT of commonalities in life.  I don’t know if we got to be such close friends because we had so much in common, or if we led such parallel lives because we were best friends. Here are some that I can think of…

We both struggled a bit with school as teenagers, not because we weren’t smart, but because we didn’t really care about it. We cared about rebelling, music and boys, pretty much that’s it. Then, while in high school, we both became mothers for the first time.  Neither were “planned”, yet both were fully loved and well cared for. We both attended an alternative High School at that time and both began to really succeed in school academically and as leaders with our peers. We began to flourish and see exciting futures for ourselves, thanks to a lot of encouragement from some amazing teachers who pushed us. I graduated first and was awarded an academic scholarship from our high school. I started college at the local community college while Jess was finishing up her senior year. She was allowed to do PSEO at the College that I was also attending. Our children were in a home daycare together close to where we lived. When Jess graduated, I was the alumni asked to speak at her graduation, it was a day special to both of us that I am so glad we got to share.

As our kids grew older, we continued to spend time together. We are Godparents to the others children. Our kids to this day, even grown, call us Auntie and refer to each other as cousins. I don’t know why we decided to do that, it just seemed right. We both are the oldest with one little sister. Jess’ sister is 6 years younger than her and my sister is 12 years younger than me. We just kind of thought of each other more as sisters than friends.

My wedding day with my BFF.

Years passed, we both graduated college with the other there for support and encouragement. We both got married, and had more kids. She was my maid of honor and a few years later, I was hers. We were physically present at the births of the others children, coaching, supporting and video-taping. (Watch our blog for funny stories about that!)

We have always been on emergency contact lists and authorized to pick up the others kids at school. Thinking back it feels like this is how it was supposed to be and how it’s always been. I don’t feel like I “chose” her to be my best friend, or vice versa. Our parents and siblings have accepted the fact that we will always be at the others important events, parties, etc. and they accept us, and we love them. (Though they didn’t always…again, stories for another day)

When my son was in 10^th grade, he decided he wanted to change schools prior to our move and so he stayed with Jess a few days a week for close to 6 months. He even had his own room… and I am sure I still owe her for that, he was not an easy kid!! I have picked her kids up from school, visited them at hospitals, and rocked and sang to them when she needed a break from a colicky one. That’s what sisters do, right.

We now as somewhat more mature friends, have helped each other through so much; a divorce, the loss of our grandparents, and most recently, her dad. That was a rough one. We have prayed and cried with each other while dealing with the effects of addiction and mental health issues of close family members.

Jessica is a successful woman in her own right, an amazing single mother of four, the director of a non-profit business that impacts her own community and she also volunteers as a co-leader of a recovery group at our church, where she specializes in co-dependency. I am blessed to call her my BFF, my soul sister.

I have been self employed for the past 15 years as a personal financial rep, helping families reach their goals of debt freedom and financial independence. I also train, develop and coach a number of agents who work directly with me. I have been happily married for 15 years and am a proud mother of three beautiful kids. My passions are writing, public speaking and inspiring others to fulfill their dreams.  

We have chosen to embark on this venture we call Soul Sisters for many reasons.

We believe strongly in female friendships. Our friendship has blessed our lives and our family’s lives insurmountably.

Our oldest daughters.

 We have been told numerous times by many different women that they envy our friendship and wish they had kept contact with their girlfriends. We have been told by many women that they have trust issues with other women, they have been burned and are afraid of being hurt again. Women who have gotten so caught up in being great wives and moms that when their kids grow up, they feel they have a void in their life. Many women don’t know how to make new friends as adults and think their time has passed to be able to have a best friend. We have been told by our daughters, who at 23 and 21 are best friends that they have learned about friendship from us. (They will be telling their story, please watch for it, they’re amazing!)

Our mission is to create a movement to inspire women to reach out and make new friends while also placing priority on older, lifelong friendships. We will, through many sources of social media, (and eventually a book) inspire you by sharing varied stories of female friendships. We will provide you with ideas to meet new friends, things to do while “courting” new friends, ways to mend broken friendships, and how to rebuild friendships with someone you haven’t talked to in a while but still want in your life.

We will make you laugh with our “rules of BFF’s” and “You might be best-friends when…”, and we may (unintentionally, of course) make you cry with the touching stories that are being submitted to our sites and from interviews we are doing as we speak. If you would like to be a part of the movement, if you have a story to share, a picture to post or a question to ask, please message us on or Facebook site at www.facebook.com/2SoulSisters

Thank you and be blessedJ

Angelika “Geli” Ulku

25 years of friendship.