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| Shawn, Niki, Geli, Deb and Jess ~August 2013 |
It’s obvious to me that Shawn and I were meant to be “Soul Sisters”. I honestly believe we were destined to be friends.
About 16 years ago, I showed up to volunteer at my step-daughter, Niki’s school. On the same day each week, I would go to her second grade class during reading time and read to her class. As I walked into the classroom on my designated reading day, I quickly realized someone had beat me to it. I was slightly irritated that I was there at “my” designated time and there was another parent in my place.
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| Niki and Tori with their girl scout troop |
I stayed until reading time was over and I happened to be leaving at the same time the other mom was. As we were walking out I introduced myself to her. Her name was Shawn and I realized she was a step-mom too. Her daughter and Niki were friends…as a matter of fact, her daughter, Tori, was in Girl Scouts with Niki and I was a co-leader of the troop so I knew Tori well.
As we were talking, we immediately realized we had a LOT in common; our husbands were both named Chris and worked in the construction industry, we both had older sons and had step-daughters we loved dearly and were very involved in their lives. We must’ve stood in the school lobby and talked for close to thirty minutes prior to exchanging phone numbers.
The funny thing with making new friends is that it’s kind of like dating… I really liked her and was excited to call her but I didn’t want to seem too desperate so I waited a day before I called her. Calling her was like calling an old friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while. She seemed happy to hear from me and we easily spent an hour on the phone. Knowing Shawn the way I do now, that wouldn’t surprise me, because that’s just how she is….at the time though, it seemed odd that it was so easy.
We set a time to meet for lunch about a week or so later, just the two of us, and her new baby boy, Noah. We met at Applebee’s, and I got to see how much of a picky eater and how specific she was with ordering her food to her liking… she made me laugh… One of the things I truly love about Shawn, is that she is real, so real. She is who she is no matter who is around. I would like to believe I am the same way. Some people don’t like that… I fully believe some people spend so long trying to be what they think others want them to be, that they just lose themselves, they don’t even know who they really are anymore. That is definitely not Shawn, she is true to herself, and I love that about her!! We sat and ate our lunch and got deep into conversation, about everything and nothing.
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| David, Coty, Tori, Skye, Levi and Noah (all our kids minus Niki) |
Shawn and I quickly became close friends. It was natural for our families to become friends also. Our boys Coty and David were close in age and enjoyed playing together, and since Niki and Tori were already friends, it was easy. I could tell immediately that we would be lifetime friends, so it just made sense to introduce her to some of my other lifetime friends, including my soul sister and BFF, Jess. They got along well, as I knew they would.
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| Skye and Noah |
We opened up to one another, we shared memories, complaints and secrets. She taught me how to be a better wife and mother, by her words of advice and more importantly, by example. I taught her that salad consisted of more than just iceberg lettuce and that it’s okay to put veggies on sandwiches.
We actually worked together for a while. My company was hiring and I was doing the training of the new associates. We had so much fun working together. We invited each other to our kid’s birthdays and got to know each other’s extended families. I talked to my longtime friends and it was approved that Shawn and her family were welcome to attend our annual friend Christmas party.
We became even closer through the pregnancies with our babies. Skylar was born in 1999 and Levi about 10 months later. Since I had experience assisting with labor and delivery with other friends, she had asked me if I would be there for her. I was blessed to be the first to hold Levi, other than his parents and the medical staff, even though it ended up that I wasn’t needed. I believe he was born within 15 minutes of her arrival at the hospital.
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| Levi and Skye |
We weren’t necessarily neighbors but both lived in a twin cities suburb, so although I knew they were looking to sell their house and move, I didn’t realize it was going to be so far away. About five years into our friendship, they found their dream home for a fair price... unfortunately, it was about an hour away. I was sad that she wasn’t as close and it wasn’t as convenient for us to spend time together.
We still talked regularly and continued to live life together. About three years after they moved, we did also. We moved six miles from her new home, which happened to be less than a mile from my step-mom and ten miles from Jessica’s new home. We began spending a lot more time together again. Our older kids were teenagers and still friends, yet more like extended family. Our younger kids grew up like cousins, and still spend a lot of time together. Shawn is one of my emergency contacts for Skye and Skye feels completely at home at their house.
In July of 2007, everything changed…for both of our families. Shawn and her family had planned a family trip to Niagra Falls. Their two older kids were 16 & 17 and both had summer jobs and commitments they couldn’t get out of. After long discussions, they, as a family, all agreed that the older kids would stay behind to fulfill their obligations. They paid a college kid that they knew from church to stay and keep an eye on the house, the animals and the “big kids”. My husband Chris and I were only minutes away and were available as “back-up” parents in case they needed anything.
All was going well, Chris and I stopped over to check on David and a friend one night, and peeked in on a Friday night to find them just hanging out alone talking. We were so impressed with how responsible and just all around good kids David and Tori were. Another day, Tori stopped over to have me help her with some paperwork for her new job and hung out for a while. Shawn has always been such a big help, we were happy to be back-ups in case the kids needed anything.
One night while on an appointment for work I received a call from Shawn and missed the call. Upon leaving my appointment, I called her back and was surprised when her husband answered her phone, I knew immediately something was wrong. He informed me that there had been an accident and Tori didn’t make it. He said “we lost Tori…” I was shocked, in utter disbelief and speechless.
I knew David was home alone, so I headed straight there. There has been nothing in my life as surreal as the next few days after the accident. Next to losing a child of my own, I can’t imagine anything worse than watching a best friend or close family member lose a child. When I arrived at their home, Shawn’s mom was already there with a handful of neighbors and some of the kids friends.
People began showing up to show their support and to bring food. We were all hugging, crying, and just being silent together. When Shawn, Chris and the boys got home, the reality of why we were all there was a smack in the face. As a friend, I felt so powerless, and useless, and at a loss for words. I knew the only thing I could do was be present.
The next week was a blur. I felt so distant from Shawn because she was so lost. I felt as if I didn’t even know who she was during that week. There were moments I wondered if she even knew I was there or if we would ever be the way we were again. Still I stayed; cleaned, cooked, helped make the poster boards, attended the wake and funeral, and just grieved….for the loss of Tori, for my friend’s loss of a daughter, the boys’ loss of their sister, and my children’s loss of a friend. I was filled with sadness that what brought us together, the friendship of our step-daughters, the connection we had as involved step-mothers, we had no more. It would never be the same again.
After a week or so, we met for coffee, it hurt to even look her in the eyes. My heart broke for her. Throughout the next year, I would go sit with her a couple days a week just to help to keep her focus on something other than her grief. She had a hard time working at that time and she worked from home. She would say, if I would go there and work from her house that she’d get more work done. As far as I was concerned, we talked mostly and worked a little. Still, it seemed to help her, and that’s what mattered.
I was her sounding board when friends and acquaintances would divert their eyes when they saw her, or talk to her like nothing had happened. All she wanted was for people to talk about Tori, ask her how she was doing, and acknowledge her loss instead of ignoring it.
The real connection that Shawn and I always had was the unconditional love we have for our step-daughters. Many step-parents don’t love their step-kids as their own, yet we both do. That bound us. Now, as Niki is grown, six years after Tori’s accident, we’ve been through high school graduation, moving to her own place, having a baby and now planning her wedding. Not only is Niki sad that Tori isn’t here for it all, I am sad that Shawn and I aren’t experiencing these life events together with both of our daughters. Beautiful Tori
I still struggle venting to Shawn about blended family issues, because I know she’d pay anything to be able to still deal with these issues…yet she, more than anyone was my confidante about those issues. I still vent sometimes, and she still gives me some amazing advice. Honestly, I am just more guarded about those conversations in protection of her feelings.
I know she’s truly happy for Niki and I at the happy occasions, but I am sure the “what if’s…” still cross her mind regularly. I hurt for her, because she is one of my best friends and I wish there was a way to turn back time and change the outcome.
More recently, I have had some family drama going on this past year; some struggles with my own children and needing, every now and then, some validation that I’m not going crazy amidst it all. Shawn is never judging, yet speaks the truth to me. She lets me cry and then comes up with a way to help, every time. I can’t imagine life without her.
Tori and Niki brought us together and I will always be thankful for that. I know our friendship was definitely due to some divine intervention. I thank God for that. We have been through so much together and I am so blessed and so thankful for my amazing Soul Sister in Shawn.
